Tips to Talk to a Passive-Aggressive Partner

Once you have acknowledged that your spouse is being passive-aggressive and have become better at identifying the instances when they are exhibiting such hurtful behaviors, you have two choices on what to do:

First, you can choose to stay quiet. By not confronting your spouse, you will avoid the cyclical pattern of sulking, withdrawing and further passive-aggressive behaviors that are a result of their difficulty or inability to hear even reasonable complaints from you. This may reduce stress in the short-term and may also help avoid getting into a negative communication pattern that will escalate into a fight. The other option is that you can speak directly with your partner about what they did that bothered you. This choice serves two purposes: 1) it allows you the room and opportunity to voice your opinion about how you wish to be treated in the relationship and 2) it models positive and strong direct communication which can help the passive-aggressive partner develop those skills that they usually lack.

If you decide to have a direct conversation with your partner, keep the following in mind:

1) Ensure that you are very calm, not holding onto any resentment and are truly entering the conversation with the sole goal of finding a solution to your problem, and not to blame your partner.

2) Speak carefully and empathically, as a person who is habitually passive-aggressive often has very low self-esteem and can become defensive very quickly.

3) Prepare yourself for and be able to quickly identify all of the signs of passive aggressive behavior as they occur in the moment. Asking your partner to reflect on a time when they made a mistake is something people who are habitually passive-aggressive have a very difficult time doing.

4) Be prepared to have concrete evidence for your complaint.

5) Calmly point out inconsistencies between their behavior and their words.

6) Remember to trust their actions and not to their words, as passive-aggressive people have a tight strong-hold on what they say but exhibit their true feelings through their actions instead.

The second option is highly recommended in most situations despite how difficult that conversation can be. Modeling healthy, direct communication can help get the relationship back on track and will provide an opportunity for you to express your reactions to the behavior without building up resentment, both factors in a healthy relationship.

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