Mindfulness: Removing the “Shoulds”

A large part of learning how to be mindful is learning how to push aside the “should” statements that clutter our thinking. From our families, friends, society and media, we have visions of what it means to be a good partner or a happy person. However, most of these messages that we receive are generalizations or are unrealistic and yet we continue to live our lives measuring our success with a bar that can never be reached.

Very often in relationships, we minimize our experiences because we compare our reality to the reality that we think we “should” have. This barrage of “shoulds” tend to govern our life and relationship often resulting in a build-up of resentment, repeated misattribution of the real problem in the relationship and unhealthy communication patterns.

Remember Anjana and Jayant, the couple who repeatedly fought about issues, such as laundry, while not addressing the true source of conflict: Jayant’s work schedule. Anjana would tell herself that she is lucky to have the life she does because of how hard Jayant works. In the meantime, she would become resentful of how much she would have to do at home or having to deal with the stress of family or children alone.

When she stopped to reflect on her feelings of why it is so difficult for her to speak directly about the work schedule issue with her husband, she realized that believes a good wife should not complain about her husband’s work schedule, especially when it provides her the luxuries of a comfortable lifestyle. She felt that if she complained, she would be being ungrateful.

By minimizing her frustrations with their current situation, she is judging her own emotions as unworthy or unacceptable thus adding stress to her life as well as to their marriage by expecting to reach an unreasonable standard in the relationship. When we are with a significant other, who was raised in a different family and has a different personality and expectations from us, it is completely naturally and expected that there will be friction and disagreements about all aspects of life. Thinking she “should” be satisfied with their entire lifestyle without complaints, Anjana is guaranteeing that the relationship will experience stress and will be unhealthy.

Instead, if Anjana sets aside the strong “should” statements and increase her mindfulness, she can accept her frustration without judgment. She would think, “I am frustrated with my husband” instead of “I shouldn’t be frustrated with my husband”. By being mindful of her emotions, she exhibits more compassion for herself. She is less likely to react to the emotionally-charged situation but instead will consciously choose appropriate words to express her sentiments and thus avoid marital conflict.

It’s a simple yet dramatic change in conceptualizing the problem. It also takes time to develop the skill; however, once developed, obstacles, issues and concerns will begin to seem much more manageable. It is one more step in creating a healthy lifestyle and promoting a healthy relationship.

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