Psychology operates along one of the key premises of physics: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Think about a time when there was a change in your family. Perhaps a younger sibling was borin, one of the children moved to college or got married, one of the parents lost a job, etc. Every milestone and shift in the family requires each member to act differently than they had acted before. When this change is resisted, we often see a rise in conflict and stress within the family.
Try this:
A wonderful analogy to illustrate this in real life is to have your family sit in a close circle and have a rubber band ready. Each member of the family should have one finger holding the rubber band so that everyone is holding on to it. Without stretching it, this is a model of what your family is like when there is no stress. Everyone knows their place and they know how to adjust their finger on the rubber band to remove any extra tension or pain. This is called your family's neutral state, or homeostasis.
Now, have one person pull the rubber band toward them. What do you notice? Most likely, this movement is going to be unpleasant for most, if not all, because the rubber band will start to hurt. The easiest solution is to ask the one who pulled the rubber band to stop pulling. Essentially, the family is asking to return to the neutral position. But what if that family member can’t stop pulling on the rubber band? You might notice some family members starting to become annoyed, frustrated or impatient. How can your family allow the rubber band to be pulled while relieving the discomfort for everyone else?
This is the exact question that arises whenever a family goes through a change. Here is an example:
Shivani moved to college, which was a difficult transition for her mother, father and younger brother. The whole family has been very close, spending lots of time together and engaging in many common activities. Each member of the family reacted differently to the transition. Her mother called her much more often and would feel hurt if Shivani could not answer the phone. Her father, on the other hand, spoke to her far less often than before her move. And finally, her brother seemed to fall ill soon after her move, causing Shivani to feel partly responsible for adding stress to his life.
Their actions resulted in Shivani talking very often to her mom, thus perpetuating their original relationship prior to her move. She also ended up calling her father more often than she had before and would visit her home more often than she had planned to ensure that her brother was feeling ok. Each of these actions are examples of how her family tried to regain the neutral state where they were all together as they had been for Shivani’s whole life. She also contributed to the resistance of change by reaching out to her family instead of encouraging them to find a way to cope with the changes in the family.
When she realized this, she talked to her mom and explained how difficult it is to spend so many hours on the phone with her instead of studying or meeting new people. They eventually decided on a time twice a week that Shivani would set aside specifically to talk to her. She mentioned to her father that he couldn't expect her to read his mind and know when he was missing her and that he should call when he feels like it. She offered to call back within one day if she missed his call. With her brother, who was much younger than her, she offered ways for him to stay in touch with her so that he did not feel alone. They even planned a day when he could come up on the weekend and spend time with just her without the parents.
As you can see from Shivani’s example, it is very easy to want the family to return to the neutral state. This is by no means a fault of Shivani’s family but just a natural tendency to gravitate toward what is normal and familiar. It is not always the responsibility of the person causing the change to encourage this conversation, as all family members should be aware of the upcoming transition. However, it is not unusual for the person who is creating the shift in the family to facilitate that discussion.
During times of change and adjustment, the best way to ensure that all family members will accept the change as easily as possible is to openly communicate about the fears and anxieties related to the change and to clearly ask for what you need to help make this transition easier. Slowly, a new neutral position will form and as long as all family members are open to this, the family can continue to be happy and healthy.
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