Four months ago, Kanan proposed to Megha after 4 years of dating. It was a magical moment, one that neither of them would forget. They were floating in the clouds for weeks afterwards, sharing the good news with their friends, and family. Quickly, however, both sets of parents were pressuring them to begin the wedding planning process. Both were very happy to do it. They couldn’t wait for their big day.
As the planning process began, the stress also set in. There were five hundred decisions to be made and with each step it seemed Kanan and Megha had wildly different opinions. They were shocked at how many arguments they were getting into. They were getting married because they loved other and thought they would get along well.
“If I had known how much we would fight just to plan one day of our life, I don’t know if I would have proposed,” Kanan said to a friend half jokingly.
Almost every day they argued about everything from how to negotiate what their parents wanted to managing to incorporate their own wishes into the ceremony and reception. Disagreements arose about the ceremony details, money, and even how to prioritize wedding planning with other aspects of their life.
“Ok let’s talk about flowers. I was thinking purple and white what do you think,” Megha asked.
“That’s fine,” Kanan said distractedly while watching a soccer match.
“Could have any less interest in this?” Megha asked sarcastically. She was frustrated because of how much she had to do on her own for the wedding planning and wanted Kanan more involved.
“Yes actually I could,” Kanan replied with equal sarcasm. He was running short on patience because the wedding, which was one day of their life, had taken over the present. He missed spending time with Megha and their friends without having all of these details to discuss all the time.
“What is your problem,” Megha asked.
“I’m just sick of this. All we talk about is the wedding. Can’t we take a break for a day?” he asked genuinely.
“No we can’t. Because it’s our wedding day and I am doing all of the work. If you want to take a break, you have to help me first,” Megha said firmly.
Kanan rolled his eyes and said, “Never mind. You keep going and I’ll be here watching the match.”
Megha was tired, stressed and now she was upset with her husband-to-be. “If we can’t talk about the wedding, how are we going to be able to handle other disagreements later in our marriage?” she asked emphatically.
“That’ll be different. We won’t have the stress of a wedding to plan,” he said nonchalantly.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said flabbergasted by his lack of caring. “We can’t even get our parents on the same page about how long the ceremony should be. How are we going to be able to manage having all of them in the same room just for dinner after the wedding.” She watched his reaction and continued, “You think it’s going to be easy to figure out how to raise our kids? Where to live? Where to send them to school? None of that is going to be easy. This is easy.”
Megha had a great point. While weddings are emotional in nature and everyone has an opinion, many more situations similar to that will arise in their married life. How they manage wedding planning is a good indication of how they will resolve conflict and compromise on disagreements in the future.
“Well we haven’t had very much stress in our lives at all. And then all of a sudden this wedding happens and everything becomes a fight. What do you expect me to do?” Kanan said overwhelmed with Megha’s points. He became very nervous. If planning for one day of their life was causing so much stress, what would they do in the future for larger and more important decisions.
“I want you to talk to me and we have to figure out a way to get through this without damaging our relationship. I don’t want to get married with both of us stressed and not even recognizing each other because of all of our arguments,” Megha said openly.
“I don’t want to be the kind of couple that starts to hate each other over a disagreement about floral arrangements,” she continued. “Remember Seema and Anand? During their whole wedding process, all she would do is call me and complain about what an ‘idiot’ he was or how ‘stupid’ his ideas were. They didn’t even sound like they loved each other anymore.”
Kanan had assumed that while their disagreements were irritating and stressful, going through it was part of the process. But Megha brought up very good points. Just because all of their other friends experienced significant stress in their relationships does not mean they should do the same. Their relationship with each other was of utmost importance to Kanan and he realized that the way they were going, eight more months of this type of fighting and they may actually resent each other after the wedding.
“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship. We’re getting married because of how much we love each other and we can’t lose focus on that. Let’s figure out what the problem has been and fix it. You and I are on the same team and I want to make sure we don’t turn on each other when the wedding planning process becomes stressful.”
They took a break from the details of wedding planning that night and reviewed their arguments. What causes them to set off on each other? Why do they take it out on each other? They realized that they were stuck in a pattern. When Kanan refused to participate in the planning process, Megha took that to mean he wasn’t interested in her or what she wanted. She also thought it meant he did not want to prioritize her family which was a sensitive subject for her. Thus, she would become upset with him. When she became upset, Kanan felt that she was not interested in him anymore but had become overtaken by the glamour of the wedding day. He felt rejected and like he was not important anymore. This made him back off from the wedding planning process even more, perpetuating the cycle.
Many young South Asian couples have numerous stressors to address during the year prior to their wedding. Learning how to balance what two sets of parents want plus what they both want as a couple is hard enough as it is. On top of that, South Asian couples have the added stress of cultural and generational differences to manage as well.
During this time, many South Asian couples experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction. How they manage disagreements during wedding planning is often a sign of how they will manage other sensitive disagreements in the future. South Asian couples who take the time to learn how to disagree and argue in a healthy manner prior to their wedding are significantly more likely to have a healthy marriage in the long term. Couples who lose sight of their relationship, make their wedding a number one priority and argue constantly during the planning process are most likely to experience difficulty in their newly married life.
If you are a South Asian couple who will be getting married soon, consider seeing a pre-marital counselor or a relationship coach prior to the wedding. This way, after your big day, you can enjoy each other’s company and your love instead of working through the resentment that has built up over the year.
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