Abhay was the calmest person you could ever meet. He rarely became angry or overly happy and seemed to be at peace with everything in his life. Ashwini was the opposite. She was a very passionate person who felt a wide ranges of emotion. When something exciting happened, Abhay would smile from ear to ear and Ashwini would jump up and down and scream. If they experienced something upsetting, Abhay would sit quietly by himself whereas Ashwini would vent her frustration or cry. People called him Mr. Zen and called her Mrs. Life.
On most days, this difference acted as wonderful balance to their relationship. Ashwini’s zest and energy inspired Abhay to try new things and to learn to be more in the moment. On the flip side, Abhay’s calm demeanor helped Ashwini relax after an especially intense emotional outburst, whether it was positive or negative.
The times when their personalities became a problem were when they encountered conflict. Because of who she was, Ashwini thrived on passionate arguments whereas Abhay tried to avoid fighting as much as possible to maintain the peace. A typical fight between them looked like this:
“I think we need to start saving more money if we’re ever going to buy a house. Maybe you should stop buying so many football magazines,” Ashwini said. Fights almost always began with a complaint form Ashwini since Abhay preferred to avoid conflict at all cost.
He nodded his head as he continued to read his magazine.
“I’m serious!” Ashwini said raising her voice. “Will you look at me? We need to talk about this!”
He knew money was an issue that they needed to address because there were going to be significant financial changes in the near future. But he also knew that they had very different styles of managing finances, which had caused friction in the past. He preferred not to go there.
“Can we talk about this later? I’m getting tired and have an early day tomorrow,” he said calmly.
“Why do you always do that?” Ashwini said frustrated with him. “I’m trying to talk to you and you always say let’s do it later. Why not now?”
“Because I’m tired. We’ll talk later. I promise,” he said convincingly. But Ashwini knew better. This was just his tactic in hopes she would drop the subject and forget to bring it up again.
“No!” she replied firmly. “We’re talking about this now! You don’t get to dictate how this goes all the time!” She was becoming upset.
“Well, talking about this at night when we’re tired isn’t a great way to have a conversation where we’ll probably end up fighting,” he said coolly. Technically he was right. They were just setting themselves up for a big argument since it was so late. But this only infuriated Ashwini more.
“You know what your problem is?” she raised her voice even louder. “You’re afraid of talking to me. You’re afraid of feeling anything. You have this cover of being this cool, calm guy where nothing phases you. But you do that just so you don’t have to deal with anything. You walk away and hope that nothing ever blows up in your face. Well it will because I’m getting really mad!” She was trying anything to get him to engage.
“You’re always mad,” he said quietly. His tone was always calm but inside he was becoming upset.
“I wouldn’t have to be mad if you actually felt something! Do you know how frustrating it is to talk to you?” Ashwini was practically yelling at him.
“I’m not doing this,” Abhay said walking away.
It was at this point of the argument that Ashwini would start crying. She was so frustrated that Abhay wasn’t listening, wasn’t engaging in the conversation and that her words seemed to carry no weight for him at all. Abhay thought that by not engaging he would avoid a fight. He never realized that avoiding on it’s own was the source of most of their arguments.
John Gottman, a researcher and psychologist studying couples and relationships for over 30 years, identified several conflict styles that are common to individuals. In this case, Ashwini was what Gottman would call a “Volatile”. Not to be confused with aggressiveness, Ashwini often exhibited intense emotions, both positive and negative. She argued persuasively to try and get Abhay to comply. On the flip side, Volatiles are also very passionate in their relationships and can be very romantic. They are rarely afraid of intimacy and enjoy the closeness. Essentially, they are very intense in their relationships.
Abhay is what Gottman would call an “Avoider”. His main goal is to avoid conflict as much as possible. Unresolved problems, areas of disagreement and arguments cause intense anxiety for him and he does anything he can to skirt that situation as much as possible.
For him, then, being with someone as intense as Ashwini can be overwhelming. Her intensity can make her seem out of control since he tries to maintain a tight control over his emotions all the time. Because of Abhay’s cool nature, Ashwini often feels unloved or unappreciated. The intensity she thrives rarely is returned by Abhay and she feels rejected in the marriage regularly.
According to Gottman, there is no conflict style that is better than the others when it comes to the success of a relationship. Rather, the most important thing for a healthy relationship is conflict style matching. A mismatch is often the source of unhappy and failing marriages. In addition, the Volatile-Avoider combination is the worst when it comes to marital success and happiness because their styles are polar opposites, making it almost impossible to talk about serious subjects. Most often, a couple with this combination will end up in an unhealthy relationship if the differences are not addressed properly.
If you notice this pattern in your relationship, consider working with a couples counselor to improve your relationship health.
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