Many South Asian couples often wonder how they can be better parents to their children. The number one way to do that is to ensure that you have a strong foundation and close friendship with your partner. The better you get along with your spouse, the better you will be as a parent and the more successful (academically, socially and emotionally) your children will be as you grow.
Many South Asian couples forget to take care of and nurture their relationship, believing that once they are parents the marriage is no longer a priority. Unfortunately, couples who do not have a solid relationship tend to be more resentful with each other and that resentment will come out on how you parent your children, regardless of how old they are. In addition, the stress of your marriage will be easily identified by your children and they will begin to exhibit a wide variety of behaviors that may concern you, including a drop in grades, behavior problems, sleep issues and much more.
Here are some tips on how to improve your friendship with your spouse which will ultimately help you become a better parent to your children:
1. Put in the time. Your best friend from high school did not become so overnight. Similarly, to deepen your friendship with your spouse, you must be patient and put in effort. Set aside time at least once a week for you to be alone. Do not answer the phone, check email or watch TV. Let that time be special for the two of you to reconnect. Talk about your week or what’s been on your mind or just tell each other jokes. Whatever you do with this time, make sure it is special for just the two of you.
2. Share in each other’s interests. Both of you are individuals with your own preferences for activities, interests and likes. Be sure to try out your spouse’s interests, whether it be watching a football game together or going into a shoe store. Find out why your partner likes what they like. Why does it make them happy? Why does it relax them? The better you know and understand your spouse, the more open you will be to accepting them and their points of view when you get into arguments.
3. Find common interests. Hopefully the two of you are together because you have some commonalities. Find some common interests to engage in together. Sometimes, that can be exotic like taking a dance class or organizing your house together. Whatever qualities the two of your share, find a hobby or activity that highlights that commonality and be sure to engage in it regularly, at least once per week.
4. Treat each other with respect. Would you roll your eyes at your best friend from childhood? Probably not. Use the same rules that you use to treat your best friend and apply them to your spouse. Show them respect, show them that they are valued and always express how much you care in a way that they can understand.
5. Argue gently. Although your spouse is the person that you have the most intimate relationship with, it is easy to forget that they can be hurt by your words and that can leave a long lasting impression. Just as you are mindful of not hurting your best friend’s feelings, do the same with your spouse. Show restraint when you argue, use healthy arguing methods and always remember that your ultimate goal is to work on your relationship together as teammates, not opponents. Know that arguments, if had in a healthy manner, can be a great way to get to know each other better, negotiate differences and strengthen your marriage.
6. Be accountable. Know what you are responsible for and what you bring to the table that contributed to a frustrating situation or an argument. When couples begin to blame each other and not take responsibility for their contribution to the relationship, resentment rises and can destroy a marriage.
7. Be generous in your positive feedback. Too often we get caught up in finding faults and focusing on negativity. With every negative comment you make to your spouse, it takes about 5 positive comments to bring your relationship back to neutral. Generously offer positive feedback to your partner. This can include complimenting them on how they look, how well they cooked or how they interact with your children. If you begin to do this, you will notice a change in your partner and they will also begin to share their positive feedback with you more as well.
8. Laugh often. Tell each other jokes, watch funny movies or engage in a silly activity that makes you laugh. Laughter is an antidote to stress and can significantly strengthen a marriage with effects being visible very quickly. In addition, laughter can be an aphrodisiac that can help deepen your intimacy.
You can only be as good of a parent as you are a friend to your spouse. The more you focus on strengthening your connection with your partner, the more likely you will be a successful and healthy parent to your children.
We would love your thoughts on this article. Please leave a comment below.