Healthy Relationship Tip #2 – Accept Influence

One of the most important things couples in healthy relationships do is they often accept influence from each other. That means, they each listen to the other person's ideas, trust that their partner may be right and do things their partner's way even if they themselves may have a different idea. By doing this, each partner is conveying that they respect each other's points of view and that they think the other has good, valuable ideas. Specifically, research has shown that the more husbands and boyfriends accept influence from their wives and girlfriends, the healthier the relationship. In fact, an abundance of data has shown this to be a very strong predictor of happy, healthy relationships.

Women automatically accept influence much more often than men do in relationships, which is why it is so important that men be able to do so as well. This gender difference is because most women are raised to be more accommodating whereas men are often raised to be more independent and encouraged to find their own solutions to situations.

Because of this, when men accept influence, they are being much more conscientious of overriding their automatic thought process of being independent and asserting their influence and instead are taking a step back and accepting influence, something that has been shown to be more difficult for men to do.

For example: in a healthy relationship, if a woman asks her boyfriend, “Can you make sure the knives are dry before you put them away so they don’t get rusty?” he will say “Sure I can try to remember that next time” instead of, “No, that doesn't make sense. Air drying them is just fine.”

In this example, the issue is not just that the man does or doesn't do what the woman wants. The core issue is that when he repeatedly rejects her ideas and asserts his own, he is sending her a message that he is superior, knows better and that her ideas are not valid. Whereas by accepting influence, he is saying that he trusts that her ideas and thoughts are just as valid as his and perhaps even more so in certain situations. Also, when a man accepts influence from his wife or girlfriend, it creates an “even playing field” where the woman feels like she is an equal in the relationship, has a right to ask something from her husband and that she is valued enough to be listened to. Women offer this same message when they accept influence from their husbands or boyfriends.

Overall, both partners need to feel like their ideas and knowledge are valued and important in the relationship. By both partners accepting influence from each other repeatedly, they send a very strong and positive message to each other about how highly they respect the relationship and each other.

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