Trust is the foundation of a healthy intimate relationship. It is not something that is automatically present but is something that is built and earned by both partners. In strong, healthy relationships, both partners have a deep and mutually respectful marriage.
Trust can be broken or missing in a relationship for a variety of reasons. Cheating, lying or deception are all common reasons for losing trust in a marriage. However, South Asians can also enter into an otherwise healthy relationship with trust issues that began when they were younger. Often, South Asians who grew up in families where one or both parents were not reliable, predictable or consistent learn to not trust those closest to them from a very young age.
South Asians often assume that just because they love each other there must be trust. In many relationships, signs of mistrust can be subtle and often overlooked. In the long run, lacking trust in each other can create significant damage to your marriage. Here are some signs that you may not fully trust your partner:
- You check receipts cell phones, or credit card bills. The classic presentation of mistrust in a relationship is not believing your partner when they tell you who they’re going out with, who they are talking to or what they are buying. Looking for concrete evidence or proof to corroborate or challenge their story is a clear sign that trust is lacking in the relationship.
- Ask someone else for validation of decisions. On a more subtle level, if you and your partner make a joint decision or your partner suggests a possible decision, you tend to call your parents, friends or mentors to validate what your partner is saying. If you trusted your partner, you would believe that what your partner suggested is truly a good idea and you would not need to speak with others regularly to feel more comfortable. This is different from getting advice when you both are in agreement that consulting with someone else is a good idea whereas where trust is lacking, you will involve someone else in the decision making process on your own, even if your partner does not know or does not wish to do so.
- Do things yourself because you assume your partner will fail. If you tend to do more things yourself because you believe if your partner was responsible they would not get it done or do it incorrectly, that is another sign of lack of trust. South Asian women often feel this way about their male partners when it comes to taking care of matters at home or taking care of their children. Traditionally, South Asian men feel this way about their wives when it comes to financial matters. Even if it is not expressed so explicitly, both men and women are sensitive at feeling like they are not trusted especially if they feel they possess the skills to make good decisions. This can be a source of continual conflict in a relationship.
- Repeated miscommunication. People who have difficulty trusting others, especially their partners, tend to misinterpret what their spouses are saying. Often, they assume complaints are personal attacks and suggestions are selfish in nature. If you find yourself becoming defensive often when your partner requests something of you or you are repeatedly wonder why they want something from you, it is a good sign that you do not trust their intentions. Couples where one or both partners tend to misinterpret each other because of lack of trust often have continuous arguments without resolution which can damage a relationship.
- Focusing on your partner’s negative attributes. If you have a difficult time trusting your spouse, or trusting people in general, you will often look for evidence in your life that supports your need to continue not trusting others. If your partner makes a mistake and your first reaction is usually, “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you with this” that is a clear indication that there is not enough trust in your marriage.
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