Grief is a strong and universal experience after any loss, including death, loss of a job, loss of a home or loss of physical health among others.. It takes a toll on your physical and emotional wellbeing and can last for days or weeks. During times of grief, friends or family may tell you how to grieve, when to grieve or to “get over it” after a certain amount of time.
While grief transcends cultural, racial and geographical boundaries, so do the many misconceptions about grief that can create added stress to the bereaved. The following points help to combat the misunderstandings about grief in effort to help the bereaved feel more comfortable during their time of loss:
1. Grief takes active healing. The common belief that time will heal the pain is in fact not true. Grief, as with any emotion, requires the bereaved to actively deal with their emotions. There is no one way to do this but examples include, talking about the deceased, sharing memories about their life before the loss, or engaging in rituals to help process the grief. Avoiding it or rushing back to work as a way to give yourself something else to think about only prolongs the grieving process.
2. Grief is a dynamic and fluid experience. Many researchers have identified stages of grief and a general pattern of symptom experience. The most well-known of these stages, identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross claims that grief is experienced first as denial, then anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Studies now are identifying that such stages and patterns of grief symptoms do not exist. While you are grieving, you can feel any, all or none of these symptoms and in an entirely different order during their grief experience.
3. Grief never goes away. Grief is not an obstacle that, after overcoming, goes away forever and there is no timeline for feeling grief. It is an experience that stays with you for your life. Over time, and after active grieving, the pain becomes less and less. In addition, the bereaved becomes better at coping with the emotions that come with grief. But if you find yourself once in a while feeling sad or down about a loss months or years after it has occurred, rest assured that it is very normal.
4. Invisible losses can cause grief. Losing an internal organ or having a miscarriage are two examples of invisible life-changing events that can cause significant grief. After healing physically, there may be no visible signs to the outsider that a loss has occurred. Therefor, this type of loss may be particularly difficult with family and friends having a harder time empathizing or giving support. Even if you have an invisible loss, grieving is a necessary and important experience for healing.
5. It is possible to say the wrong thing. When supporting the bereaved, many family and friends are at a loss for words. In attempts to console their loved ones they may say invalidating comments such as “It is better this way” or “I felt this way when I lost my favorite watch” and others. These comments may feel extra hurtful to the bereaved whose emotions are raw. If you are offering support, saying words of compassion such as, “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I can’t imagine what you must be going through” can be very supportive. If you are not sure what to say, it is also very helpful to just sit quietly or listen to your loved ones share their thoughts or emotions.
6. Grief can become problematic. For almost 20% of situations where a loss has occurred, the grief becomes complicated. Immediately after a loss, difficulty resuming your regular life is very normal and to be expected. If you find it difficult to get out of bed during the day or have trouble functioning in regular life 6 months after the loss, it can be signs of complicated grief which is closely tied to depression. Encouraging the bereaved to talk about all of their feelings without judgment and actively grieving can help prevent complicated grief from occurring.
7. Being strong means expressing your grief. Many loved ones may tell you to be strong for your mother or child immediately after a loss. However, asking the bereaved to be strong is the same as asking them to keep their emotions bottled in. Grief will find a way to come out and the best way to avoid complications with the grief process is to express yourself in whatever manner is comfortable to you.
Grief is a very difficult experience and unfortunately one that everyone in the world experiences at least once in their life. Understanding the truths behind grief can help reduce stress from the bereaved in feeling that they have to grieve a certain way. It can also take the pressure off of supporting family and friends who may worry that their loved ones are grieving inappropriately.
How have you dealt with grief? Please leave your comments below.