Anusha was a South Asian young woman, who had graduated from college with a degree in public health. Soon after graduation, she began a job at a prestigious public health organization where she quickly proved her potential and was given more and more responsibilities. Her friends marveled at her ease in managing multiple projects and aspects of her life. Despite being constantly busy at work, she also kept up a busy social life and had a great relationship with many of her friends.
On the outside, Anusha looked like she had it all. She was gorgeous, smart, friendly, outgoing and seemed to posses just the right amount of confidence. When any serious issue came up within the family or amongst friends, everyone knew Anusha could handle it and they counted on her for support, encouragement and advice. She was the strongest person most people knew.
Interestingly, whenever Anusha heard that feedback, she was often surprised. Compliments about her successes, her beauty or her positive qualities were difficult for her to believe and she often accepted the kind words while wondering whether they were telling her the truth or if they were exaggerating. Others wished they could be more like Anusha and Anusha always wished she could be like that image of her others saw. Her low self-esteem was deep-rooted and went back many years to when she was a baby.
Anusha was the oldest of three siblings, with Vikash being only 1.5 years younger than her and Rakesh being 3 years younger than her. When she was born, her parents had already been having marital issues. While their marriage was not arranged, it seemed that her parents, Veena and Dilip, had not discussed or considered each other’s differences in personalities and values prior to marriage.
Veena and Dilip argued constantly about everything. They would call each other names like “lazy”, “mean”, or “selfish”. “I know they love each other, because all parents love each other,” said Rakesh one day to Anusha when she was 10, “but do they like each other?”
Dilip would repeatedly make sarcastic comments to Vikash and Rakesh such as, about how women are too much trouble and that they should think twice before getting married. One day when Anusha was 12 years old, Dilip was making breakfast for the three of them after a long night of fighting with Veena. He turned to the boys and said, “Do you understand why girls are so complicated and mean?” The boys were put in an awkward position of not wanting to berate their mother but also not wanting to disrespect their father.
They hung their heads in discomfort when Anusha spoke up, “Girls aren’t complicated and mean. People are complicated and mean. You say some not nice things too.” Her dad just looked at her for a second and said, “Boy you’re going to make some boy’s life so difficult when you get married.” He shook his head and returned to making breakfast.
As they got older, the parents’ arguments escalated. Both Dilip and Veena had taken turns threatening to leave the marriage, which unbeknownst to them, the children had heard from the top of the staircase. When questioned about that later by Vikash, both parents casually said, “No, we were just mad at each other. We don’t mean it.” But that didn’t’ seem to ease the children’s worries. Her mother also repeatedly tried to complain to the young children about how she wished she had never married their father because she was so unhappy. The children would respond in silence, not knowing what was the right thing to say.
From an early age, Anusha took on the responsibility of protecting her younger brothers from the emotional abuse that existed in their parents’ marriage by taking them to their room and playing with them. She would always monitor how bad the argument was with their parents so she would know how much longer she had to distract her brothers.
Because she focused so much of her energy on protecting her brothers, Anusha never learned how to work through her emotions of witnessing emotional abuse. Instead, she learned how to shut off her emotions and protect others, without realizing that she was internalizing so many of the messages that her parents were sending their children.
Children are very vulnerable and dependent on their parents from receiving nourishment to feeling safe in a large world. When parents say they want to leave the marriage, it threatens young children’s safety and security. Anusha began to feel very insecure and on high alert from a young age because she was never sure when or if she would no longer be safe because her family would be broken.
In addition, young children especially, interpret a broken family as something that happened because of what they did wrong. When she heard from her father how he thought marriage was like being in prison or how unhappy her mother was, she learned to interpret that as she, Anusha, was not enough to make her parents happy. She felt inadequate and that lowered her self-esteem even more. However, again, in efforts to protect her brothers, she never realized this was what was happening.
All three children were always afraid of setting off their parents because they never wanted to be yelled at the way their parents yelled at each other. So they learned to stay quiet and try to be perfect children, without understanding that it was also acting as a mask for the children developing proper coping mechanisms and positive mental health. Anusha never learned how to match how she behaved on the outside with how she was feeling on the inside. She knew how to put on a brave face, but did not know how to express worry, fear or anxiety. The problem was that emotions always find a way out so instead, she had many physical health problems that she could never identify the cause of.
When Anusha was 27 years old, she and her three brothers met for dinner and she decided to bring this topic up. She told them that she worried she had low self-esteem but didn’t understand where it came from because she was so happy and successful in her life. Vikash quickly answered, “Anush, come on. Think about what we watched as we were growing up. Our parents basically told us that they wish they hadn’t gotten married which means they wish we hadn’t been born. Even if they didn’t mean it, just hearing that is horrible! Of course it’s going to leave scars.”
Both boys detailed what they had noticed in their lives as a result of growing up witnessing emotional abuse between their parents: Rakesh was always weary about whether the girls he dated actually liked him and would do everything he could to be the perfect boyfriend. This perfection would add stress to the relationship and usually it would end. Like Rakesh, Vikash had also developed a high sensitivity to rejection and would not be able to end a relationship, receive a college rejection letter or open an email saying he did not get the job without becoming depressed. He had learned to internalize rejection as something he had done wrong. In addition, Vikash was also very closed off emotionally and found it very hard to be intimate in a relationship. Instead of sharing his thoughts or feelings, if he felt hurt, betrayed or sad, he would express that through anger. His girlfriends would become upset and the relationships would end, the same way every time.
“I can’t find a guy to date because they think I’m too independent,” lamented Anusha. “I guess I’ve gotten so used to being the protector and the care taker, I haven’t really learned how to let go and be taken care of.” She sighed. “And clearly I see myself totally differently than I come off to other people. I wish I felt like the person that they see.”
Children are like sponges and take in absolutely every experience they go through as a child. This includes picking up the good habits and strong values that parents instill in them, but also includes the messages sent by parents when they have individual and/or marital problems. Understanding the dynamics of your family of origin and past experiences as a child can help make sense of the life patterns that you often find yourself in as an adult. Finding a good counselor can then help you learn how to break these patterns and develop into a stronger, happier, healthier person.
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