Though Sujata was 1 ½ years older, she and her younger sister, Aparna, were inseparable. Growing up, they often dressed the same and were usually mistaken to be identical twins. Everyone also assumed both girls had similar personalities: they were both curious, funny and quite sociable. However, Sujata was more reserved than Aparna and often took fewer risks. If they were going to try something new, it was usually Aparna who came up with the idea and would encourage Sujata to come along. In some ways, Sujata’s self-confidence was raised by Aparna’s belief in her.
The family moved from Nepal, when Sujata was 3 years old and the girls have lived in the United States since. Because their father was in the military in Nepal, they were used to moving around and settling in one place, even if it was a foreign country, was a welcome change for the family.
The family lived in a primarily Caucasian neighborhood, which was a shock for everyone to get used to. With the culture, the values, the family structure and even the names so different, Aparna and Sujata became even closer to each other. Because they played together during recess, the girls developed a common set of friends as well. The girls adjusted to the pace of life quickly and within a few years even lost their accents and began blending in with their peers.
When they approached middle school, for the first time, Sujata and Aparna were not going to be in the same school. Sujata started showing signs of anxiety including having trouble sleeping for three weeks prior to the first day of 6th grade. Her mother comforted her by telling her that these anxieties due to such a big change were normal and that she would adjust well. Sujata never believed her but nodded her head in agreement so as to not worry her mother further.
That year, Aparna got a taste of independence as well, being alone for the first time in her elementary school. While she deeply missed her sister’s presence during recess, she felt a sense of freedom and was excited to meet new friends and play with children only of her age.
When given the opportunity to be separated, both of their personalities truly flourished. Aparna became the popular, social, outgoing girl who enjoyed being around other children and trying new things. Sujata become more introverted, a sign that perhaps her outgoingness when she was younger was more inspired by Aparna than a true aspect of her personality. She made fewer friends as she got older, while Aparna made more.
Still, the strong emotional bond that the sisters had for each other held. They both still enjoyed their daily rituals of doing homework in the same room, sitting next to each other at dinner and as they grew older, talking with each other about their day for one hour after their bedtime, thinking their parents did not know.
As Sujata approached 9th grade, Aparna noticed a shift in her sister. Not only had she become more isolated, but she had a darker look on her face, as if she was very unhappy.
“She’s becoming a teenager, this is common for them,” explained their mom when Aparna raised her concerns. She took that at face value but kept her eyes open for other signs of concern. “At this age, even one year makes a big difference,” her mother continued. “Each day your bodies are changing, your minds are changing. You’ll understand when you become 14 years old too.”
Sujata began keeping a journal, as suggested to her by her English teacher in 8th grade. While this helped her work through the emotional ups and downs of being 14 years old, it also made her more and more isolated from other peers. Even Aparna started feeling a distance.
“My journal doesn’t judge me,” confided Sujata one night during their late-night catch up sessions.
“I don’t judge you either!” contested Aparna.
“I know but you don’t understand everything. We’re different and sometimes I just want to be myself without feeling like being like you is better,” Sujata explained.
Aparna guessed that Sujata and her mother were right. Perhaps at this age, she was just too young to understand what Sujata was going through. It was an odd shift for the sisters. They had been inseparable their whole lives and now in some ways they felt they had become unidentifiable to the other. Still, something told Aparna that Sujata was going through more than the “14-year-old” blues that everyone was trying to convince her about.
One day, when Sujata was in 10th grade, Aparna went into Sujata’s room and saw her journal lying open on her bed. Sujata was not home and Aparna knew she shouldn’t read it, but convinced herself that she and her sister were so close, nothing could be in there that Aparna did not already know. She sat on the bed and skimmed the page that was open.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I just let myself go of this misery. No one at school notices me. The boys don’t care that I exist. And why would they? My braces make me look like a machine more than a person. Last night I had a dream that I found our medicine cabinet full of bottles of Advil. I thought it was a sign that I should just try it. I can’t shake off this heavy feeling. I cry almost every night going to bed and I’m so sick of it. But I can’t figure out what I’m crying about. I just cry and I want it to end.
Aparna became so scared. She had no idea her sister’s pain was so deep. She sat on the bed for a few minutes debating about what to do and then decided to go downstairs and tell her mother. Her mother looked shocked but quickly composed herself and told Aparna to return the journal back to Sujata’s room and to not interfere when Sujata got home.
That evening, Sujata and her mother were sitting in the family room and her mother asked, “Are you unhappy?”
“No,” replied Sujata quickly looking surprised that her mother would ask her that.
“Then why do you cry every night before you go to sleep? Do you not have everything you need? A beautiful home, a loving sister and father and me to drive you around wherever you want to go?” Her mother was becoming angry.
“How do you know–?” began Sujata.
“What have we not given you? Have we not provided you with a wonderful life?” her mother raised her voice. Sujata realized it was futile to pursue this conversation so she lowered her head and let her mother continue. Aparna stood at the steps listening to this in horror.
“We got you that very expensive bike for your birthday this year so you could go back and forth to school. Isn’t that what you wanted? And look at how much Aparna does for you. She cares and wants to include you in things and you just don’t want to! You have to stop being so moody and start being grateful for what you have!” her mother yelled.
Sujata just nodded and watched her mother sink back into her chair. She got up and went into her room, with tears falling down her face.
No one understands, she wrote in her journal. I’m not making this up. I don’t know why I feel like this and I hate myself because I do! Why can’t I just be happy? I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
When Aparna returned to school, she told her Health teacher, about what happened at home. Her teacher expressed concern and explained to Aparna what might be going on. Being the spunky and headstrong girl that she is, Aparna decided it was time for her to intervene. That night, she brought up the subject during dinner.
“I think you should take Sujata to the doctor,” she told her parents. Sujata nearly choked on her food hearing this and her parents stared at her in awe. “I have been learning about depression in health class and Sujata, I think you might be depressed.”
“No! What she is is ungrateful,” said their mother sternly.
“Stop saying that!” said a frustrated Aparna. “She is depressed. It’s a real thing just like migraines or a sprained ankle. The only thing is that sometimes your life can be perfect and you can still be depressed,” Aparna explained. “My health teacher was explaining that because of all the changes that happen in your bodies as a teenager, teen girls are at a really high risk for suicide and that it’s a really serious thing, especially at this age.”
“Stop talking about such negative things. Sujata is fine, Aparna. Just eat your food,” her father said calmly.
“No! I’m not going to drop this. She’s really hurting! Sure she’s doing well in school so you don’t see it. But she’s thinking about hurting herself and that’s a bad sign!” Aparna said passionately. “What does it hurt to take her the doctor?”
“There is nothing wrong with her,” their mother said firmly.
“So let the doctor tell you that!” Aparna fought back.
“I’m her mother. I know you both better than anyone. I will know if something is wrong with either of you before any doctor will,” her mother said flushing in the face from defensiveness.
“That’s not true.” Aparna knew she was crossing a line but she felt compelled to keep going knowing it was the only way her sister would get the help she needs. “When I was little and I fell off my bike, I was crying and couldn’t move my fingers. You thought I had broken my wrist but when we went to the hospital they said I had broken my arm and the swelling was keeping me from moving my fingers. Right? You needed the doctors to tell you what was really wrong. This is the same thing.”
Her father’s eyes, which were filled with rage began to soften into sadness. He never tolerated disrespect but he did highly value a strong debate and Aparna had given him one that he highly respected.
“She might be right. Why don’t you take her to the doctor to see what he says,” he replied to their mother. “The worst thing would be that the doctor will tell you it’s nothing. But if it is something, at least we can treat it.”
“I’m not a bad mother!” yelled their mother with tears in her eyes, her body shaking in anger. “I had to do so much for you both while you were growing up and I did it alone! How dare you tell me I did something wrong!”
“No one said you were a bad mother or you did anything wrong,” said their father. “Were you a bad mother that you couldn’t protect Apu from breaking her arm? No. These things happen. ”
“You’re a great mother,” Sujata said quietly. “I just feel like something’s wrong and I can’t tell what it is. And I feel bad for feeling like this because I know I have a really great life. But I just can’t help it.”
Aparna added, “In my health class they said that depression isn’t just sadness that you can turn off by distracting yourself. It’s more serious than that. And I don’t want Sujata to do something dumb and hurt herself!” Aparna burst into tears.
Her mother reached over to hug Aparna. She looked at Sujata and for the first time she saw the darkness that had overcome Sujata for the past few years. The light in her eyes was gone and she seemed so far away. How could she have not seen this before, their mother thought?
Through her tears, she said, “I’ll make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.” She reached over and held Sujata’s hand in comfort.
The pediatrician echoed Aparna’s concerns and provided the family with information about depression in teenagers. He also suggested that Sujata consider counseling as well as anti-depressants until they could manage the depressive symptoms. They also educated the family on how they can help work with Sujata to manage her depression.
“You’re not in this alone,” he said to Sujata. “Just as much work as you will do to help yourself, your family will be doing work to help you too.”
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