Karishma and Abhishek were both young professionals always on the go. Having been married for 2 years, one day Abhishek mentioned to Karishma that he was worried how often they do things separately or with a group of friends. He wished that they had more time together as a couple.
“We've been married for 2 years and we still just do our own thing as if we're dating,” he said that day. “We should start getting in the habit of focusing on each other more than prioritizing our own interests or our friends so much.”
Karisha shrugged her shoulders in complacent agreement and reached for her Blackberry to check her email. It had only been 10 minutes since she checked last. He put his hand on the screen and said, “I’m serious! Let’s do something this weekend.” She coolly said, “Ok. What do you want to do?”
“How about Saturday, we do something that you really enjoy and Sunday we’ll do something that I like?” he suggested. His idea was inspired by his recent realization that neither of them fully participate in activities that are meaningful and exciting to the other person since they started dating.
“I can’t do anything Saturday. I promised Chaitali we’d go shopping Saturday for her big date that night,” Karishma said. She saw Abhishek’s face fall so she quickly added, “We’ll do what you want on Sunday and what I want next weekend. How’s that?” He agreed and became excited about planning their day together. Karishma was secretly dreading it because she knew he would pick something related to sports and she hated sports so she braced herself for a boring day on Sunday.
Sunday morning came around and Abhishek was beaming from ear to ear. He had always wanted to take Karishma to see his favorite baseball team play and they lucked out because that day his team was playing their rivals. He was not only excited to see the game, but more so he was really looking forward to showing Karishma a little more about his world and sharing his interests with her. He truly felt this would be a great way to bond with each other.
Karishma saw the tickets and she rolled her eyes to herself. She already was feeling resentful. She had so many other things she could do with that time and now she had to force herself to sit through a game that she hated.
Throughout the game, she would check her phone for new emails, tweets or texts from her friends. She looked up only once in a while to see men in uniforms playing a game she thought was meant for young boys. She barely ate because she missed her standard salad and half sandwich meal she usually ate on the weekends. Though she was careful not to outwardly complain, her demeanor showed that she was being forced to this.
In the car, after the game, Abhishek became frustrated that she was on the phone again. “Thanks for coming today,” he said genuinely. She smiled, glad that he understood that she did something she never would have done otherwise. She felt less resentful.
“I wish you had been there mentally also and not just physically,” he added careful not to let his frustrating drive the conversation.
“What?” Karishma asked feeling the resentment increase.
“You were always on your phone, you barely listened to what I was saying about the game. Do you even know why I like baseball or why those teams have a rivalry?” His tone was calm but his words carried weight and Karishma felt it. She knew he was right. She didn’t pay attention and was only there physically.
“I don’t think we know each other very well well considering how long we’ve been together. We’re always around other people or we’re doing separate things. How are we going to make this work if we have kids? Are we going to be surrounded by our friends all the time? No way. Are we going to bail on the children and just go do whatever we want? No. I imagine us having a life as a couple that sometimes includes friends, sometimes family but mostly it’s us together doing things that I enjoy, you enjoy and we both enjoy. We just don’t do that. We could have today and you chose not to be a part of it. That doesn’t feel good.”
Karishma and Abhishek’s story is one that many young South Asian couples experience: learning to do things that your partner enjoys that you may have no interest in. Part of becoming a stronger couple is being able to share in each other’s joys, activities and hobbies. This does not mean that you have to enjoy what they enjoy but you do have to respect their interests.
While you may be bored out of your mind when doing something that your partner enjoys, acting like Karishma is hurtful to the relationship. Without realizing it, she was telling Abhishek through her behavior that he is not important to her as much as her friends or work are. Her behavior also conveys that she is not interested in getting to know him as a person. This is especially difficult when your partner is making himself/herself vulnerable to you by sharing something that is very important to them. Karishma’s behavior is a sign of rejection to Abhishek and is hurtful when he is trying to build intimacy in their relationship.
When a partner does not feel like a priority, feels rejected or is hurt when vulnerability or intimacy is not returned, it hurts their feelings. They are more likely to experience lowered self-esteem and are at higher risk for depression, which causes additional issues in the marriage.
Take some time at least once every few weeks to spend with your partner doing something that they like. Find out why they like it, what makes them happy about that activity and try to notice all the ways that they are trying to connect with you emotionally as they share this experience with you. Sometimes that comes in the form of telling you stories from when they were children and other times they may talk about how they hope the activity can fit into your future lives as a couple and family. Share in your partner’s happiness: it’s one of the easiest ways to strengthen your relationship.
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