Memorial Day in the United States is dedicated to remembering those who have fought to serve the country. Even if you don’t personally know someone who was part of the US Military, watching others grieve their loss can bring up feelings of grief for you too.
Repeated MRI scans by researchers around the world identify grief as a process that can alter your brain temporarily, and in some cases, permanently. When we feel grief, numerous areas of our brain are affected including areas associated with mood, memory, perception, and bodily regulation (such as the heart, digestive tract and sleep cycle, etc.). Grief is a total body experience that everyone feels at some time in their life.
For most 80-90% of people, however, grief resolves itself naturally within 6 months of the loss, with repeated reminders of the loss occurring for a lifetime. One way to ensure that you cope with grief in a healthy manner is to tell stories about your loved one whom you have lost.
Storytelling is a communication form that has been in existence long before written language was developed. It was a way to transmit culture, life lessons and education across all ethnicities and races. Our brains are also hardwired to enjoy storytelling.
With regards to grief, telling stories about a loved one, though it may be painful, can help titrate the intensely sad emotions that come with the loss. It allows your mind as a way to enjoy and remember the happy memories you have of your loved one while your mind works to process the profound loss that you have experienced.
Storytelling by the bereaved often have similar patterns across cultures. The stories tend to cycle from happy, funny and light to more serious stories concluding with a memory about the death itself. Soon after, the cycle will begin again when the grieving person remembers yet another funny memory about the deceased. The brain has a built in mechanism to slowly filter in the reality only as quickly as you are ready to manage it effectively.
Storytelling can feel unnatural, especially to those who tend to be more introverted. To help you get started, here are a few sentence starters. If you are not comfortable sharing the story with others, you can think about stories to yourself or write them down.
When I first met [insert name], I was…
When I last met [insert name], I was…
My favorite memory of [insert name] is…
The funniest thing [insert name] ever did was…
I will never forget when [insert name]….
I loved it when [insert name] would…
Grief is a process that takes time to work through. Generally, for about 80-90% of people, grief begins to resolve itself and feel less intense 6 months after a loss. For the other 10-20%, it can take much longer for a variety of reasons.
To process the grief in a healthy manner, allow yourself to take the time to fully accept the grief. Don’t try to rush yourself or avoid thinking about the loss as that will make your grieving process more complicated and increase your risk for developing depression, anxiety and high levels of stress. If you notice that your grief has affected your daily life, consider speaking a grief counselor to help manage your loss.