“Don’t forget to call the doctor today,” Vaishali called over her shoulder as she went to wash her hands after breakfast. Ninad was loading his cereal bowl in the dishwasher when he heard the reminder. She had already told him this what seemed like 90 times the night before.
Vaishali came back from the bathroom as Ninad was finishing up. “When do you think you’ll call the doctor?” Vaishali asked.
“I don’t know. I’ll see when I get time,” Ninad said, trying not to engage in an argument so early in the morning.
“You’re going to forget. Set a time for yourself and put an alarm on your phone,” she sad sternly. “You are already 5 months overdue for your annual physical.”
Ninad clenched his jaw to express his frustration about her constant reminders in a condescending tone. “I heard you the first 500 times you told me. I will call the doctor,” he said firmly.
“Ok. We’ll see,” Vaishali challenged.
Ninad couldn’t hold it in anymore and yelled, “Why do you talk to me like I’m an idiot?”
“I don’t think you’re an idiot. You just don’t do things when you’re supposed to. Do you think I enjoy being on your case about these things?” Vaishali asked, becoming upset.
“Yes, I think you really love nagging. I think it’s a hobby of yours,” Ninad stated curtly.
Vaishali was appalled but shot back with, “I wouldn’t have to nag if you did the things you were supposed to on your own to begin with.”
They were at a stalemate, where they always ended up when she nagged him. The options at that time were to continue to escalate the fight to defend their own points of view, causing them to start their day late or to walk away and not talk until tonight, causing them to stew in their anger for the entire day.
Women are often the ones who nag their boyfriends and husbands, although men can also nag as well. Nagging creates a self-sustaining cycle where the nagger (usually the woman, but not always) sends condescending, rude or insulting complaints to the their partner to get them to do something. The person being nagged often feels criticized and blamed, resulting in feeling defensive. Many times, this person also learns to count on the nagging as a reminder for their tasks and learns not to remember on their own. This creates anxiety in the nagger, who feels compelled to nag even more which causes their partner to shut down further.
South Asian women are raised to not express their needs or requests very openly. The culture raises girls to be more adaptive and flexible than to identify what they need from their family and partners. Thus, when they enter into a committed, adult relationship, they are unprepared for the importance of communicating clearly what they need often relying on unhealthy communication patterns such as nagging and passive-aggressiveness to exert their influence.
Their partners are crucial in the process of helping them learn how to express what they need without feeling guilty for doing so. In a healthy relationship, the partners can convey a sense of respect for her needs which will create a positive self-sustaining cycle where she learns that her needs are important and will be met by her partner to the best of his ability.
Here are a few tips on how to help her nag less.
1. Speak her language. Women respond well to conversations of emotion and self-disclosure. Instead of picking a fight or reacting to your defensiveness, tell her how nagging feels for you and share with her that you wish she could ask you differently. If you know how you want to be asked (e.g. “Instead of telling me to do something, give me the benefit of the doubt and ask me if I’ve done it already””), give her that information so she knows how to communicate with you effectively.
2. Offer her opportunities to tell you what she needs. Initiate a conversation where you ask her what she needs from you. By doing this, you convey to her that her needs are important and that you are open to hearing them without having a heated discussion or argument about it.
3. Show her you understand what is important to her. At first, she may have trouble with sharing openly what she needs, since many South Asian women are raised to not place importance on their own needs but instead on the needs of others. Therefore, you may have to begin by listings that you have observed are important for her. This might help her get started and also to feel like you respect her and think of her as important. She will also be pleasantly surprised to know that you have paid attention and know her priorities and this will help her feel loved and encourage her to be more open with you.
4. Think about why you don’t do some of the things she asks. Sometimes people don’t do what they are asked because they genuinely forget. For these moments, reminders – though, not nagging – can be useful. However, sometimes they don’t follow through on an action for a variety of other reasons. Are you resentful of the task she is asking you to do? Do you disagree with what you have to do? Sometimes we don’t do what we are asked because it is our way of expressing our dissatisfaction about the situation without expressing that clearly to our partners. This is especially true in relationships where communication patterns are unclear and tend to be unhealthy. If you find that there is another reason other than genuine forgetfulness for you not completing tasks that she asks you to do, sit down with her to talk about the breakdown in communication and identify a compromise solution.
5. Do what she asks, when she does not nag. If she has asked something reasonable of you and in a way that is not nagging, do your best to do it right away. This will convey to her that you think she is important and you are prioritizing your relationship. It will also create a positive feedback loop where she will learn that it is safe and acceptable to express her needs directly and that when she does, she is taken seriously by you taking action. By doing this you are helping her relearn the importance of clear, direct communication.
6. Be patient and trust her. Remember that openly sharing what she needs is something she has been explicitly and implicitly taught not to do as she was growing up. You are asking her, in your relationship, to do the opposite. Changing these behaviors and expectations can take some time. Be patient with her, provide her with positive feedback when you can see she is trying to change her nagging behavior and trust her that she is doing the best she can to give you and your relationship what you need.
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