Seven year old Anokhi knew something was wrong. Her father was home early from work, her grandmother picked her up from school and her mother was running from room to room frantically. Her grandmother tried to keep things as normal for Anokhi as possible, reminding her to wash her hands and offering her an after-school snack.
“You can watch a little TV after you eat if you want,” her grandmother offered as she gave Anokhi milk and some extra cookies.
“What’s going on?” Anokhi asked, suspicious by the extra cookies on her plate.
“Nothing dear, everything is fine,” reassured her grandmother.
“How come Daddy isn’t at work?” Anokhi asked, not believing her grandmother.
“He was done with work early,” her grandmother lied.
The more her grandmother refused to answer her questions and confirm her suspicions that something was wrong, the more anxious Anokhi felt. She started wondering if she had done something wrong and began taking inventory of her recent faults. She had forgotten to put away a few dolls last night. Was her mother upset with her about that? She rushed through her math worksheet today so that she could continue reading her favorite book during reading time. Her teacher must have called her parents and now they were so upset with her that they couldn’t even talk to her.
The more she thought of things she had done wrong, the more convinced she had become that her parents were avoiding her because they were very angry. She wanted to right her wrongs so she slipped off of her chair to find her parents.
“Anokhi, come back here and finish your milk,” her grandmother called after her.
“I’ll be right back,” Anokhi said over her shoulder as she climbed the stairs to her parents bedroom. She pushed open the half closed door to find her mother sobbing on her bed, her father hugging her and stroking her back. Anokhi was scared and her anxiety shot through the roof. She had never made her mother cry before! She felt extremely guilty.
The door squeaked and her parents finally noticed her. They saw the fear in her big round eyes so they called out to her. She climbed on the bed with her parents, not knowing what to say or what to ask. Little did she know that her parents were also at a loss for words on how to explain to Anokhi the truth of the situation.
When something devastating or traumatic happens in a family, most parents’ first reaction is to protect their children from the truth of the negativity. Unfortunately, children are extremely perceptive and even if you hide the truth, they will know something is wrong. Additionally, when children are not given sufficient truthful information about the situation, they automatically find reasons to blame themselves. Being extremely creative, children can come up with highly elaborate stories to explain a situation that they do not understand.
The following tips can help parents know how to talk to children and teens about difficult situations:
1) Tell the truth. No matter how difficult or how much you want to shield your child from pain, telling the truth will help reduce the child’s anxiety. Negative situations will occur in your child’s life no matter what and by telling them the truth, they can learn from an early age how to handle adversity in a healthy manner. By lying or hiding the truth, the child is more likely to blame him/herself and likely to feel guilty, establishing an unhealthy coping mechanism for negative situations.
2) Use words they can understand. Speak in sentences where the number of words you use equals the age of the child. The younger the child, the shorter the sentences should be so that they can follow what you are saying. Children under the age of 14 tend to think very concretely so avoid vague explanations such as “Things are tough right now” but instead be specific. “Daddy does not have a job anymore.”
3) In the case of a death in the family, explain where the deceased went. Young children are concrete and cannot understand generalities or amorphous ideas. If there was a death in the family, explain to the child where the person went. Children under the age of 14 require the concept of after-life (whether it be in the form of reincarnation, heaven or anything else) to lessen their anxiety about death, a concept that even adults have difficulty wrapping their heads around.
4) Do not shield them from your emotions. Children learn by observing their parents and from an early age learn how to manage, express and experience their emotions by how their parents do so. By showing them how you feel or talking about your emotions, children learn how to identify the same emotions in themselves. Parents who hide their emotions from their kids teach their children that showing emotions is unacceptable. These children often grow up stifling their emotions, having never learned healthy coping mechanisms. Show them how despite feeling sad or angry you can still calm yourself down or reach out for support.
5) Offer the children an opportunity to help. Whether you need a tissue, help cooking dinner or with cleaning, keep your children involved. If they feel included in the process, it increases their self-esteem, reduces their anxiety and helps them feel connected to their parents and family, which is important in feeling valued and important.
6) Ask them what they understand. No matter how clearly you explain, difficult situations can be hard for children to wrap their heads around. Check in with them regularly to see what they remember and understand about what is going on. Clear up any misunderstandings early on so they do not hold on to misinformation about the reality. This will also encourage a dialogue between you and your child, teaching him/her that it is ok to talk about difficult things repeatedly – that it is not limited to just the first conversation.
7) Allow them to ask questions. No questions should be off limits. Let them ask you anything that comes to mind. This can give you a sneak peek into their minds and how they are conceptualizing the reality of the situation. Answer each question truthfully and always be open to their thoughts and opinions. Shutting them down or telling them not to ask specific things teaches children that there are limitations in your relationship with the child. They are less likely to speak openly with you when they find themselves in a difficult position as they get older.
How parents handle stressful or traumatic situations such as the loss of a job or a death in the family can be an incredible learning experience. It is an opportunity to strengthen the bond between the parent and child and increase trust in the relationship. Regardless of what parents say, children will come up with a story to explain something they don’t understand. Instead of letting their imaginations run wild, tell them the truth so they can learn how to handle the realities of life in a healthy manner from a young age.
What else can parents do to encourage positive, healthy communication between themselves and their children during difficult times?