Janini and Mona had been friends for decades. They did everything together including attend the same college and live together as roommates when they both got their first job. They were inseparable, always going out and trying new things together. It was a deep and long standing friendship that both of them truly cherished.
The one thing that irked Janini though, was that since Mona met Farhan, Mona had less time to do things alone. Everywhere she went, Farhan followed. Janini asked numerous times to meet Mona for coffee to catch up. Each time, Mona agreed and each time she brought Farhan with her. He didn’t mind being the third wheel but Janini felt awkward to exclude him. She also couldn’t speak as openly as she would have had the meeting been just the two best friends.
After this happened the third time, Janini left the coffee shop and immediately called her fiancé to complain. “They are inseparable! I don’t think they do anything alone. I never thought Mona would be so dependent on a guy.”
Janini was resentful that she felt she had lost her best friend. But moreso she was disappointed in Mona for giving up her independence for a guy. “Well, maybe they’re happy?” Tushar, Janini’s fiancé, offered.
“How can you be happy being around the same person 24 hours a day and not having a life of your own?” Janini challenged.
“Well, I agree with you and that’s why you and I have the relationship that we have,” Tushar said astutely. “But maybe this works for them.”
Janini couldn’t accept that. She was completely convinced that what Mona and Farhan were doing was wrong and her best friend would regret it later.
Mona and Farhan walked in the opposite direction from the coffee shop and talked about the same thing. “How often do Janini and Tushar see each other?” Farhan asked.
“Every day. They live together,” Mona said matter-of-factly.
“They live together?” Farhan asked, incredulous. “But then why is she always asking to hang out with you when he’s not there. Does he work a lot?”
“I know, I don’t understand it either. They do so many things apart. It’s like they’re not even engaged or something. Why be in a relationship if you don’t want to change your single life much?” Mona questioned.
“I worry about them,” Farhan said. “How can you have a relationship when you never spend time together?”
Both couples felt very strongly about how much time the other couples spent with each other. If asked, both Mona and Janini would state confidently that the other was handling her relationship wrongly. However, the mark of a healthy relationship is not only having clear communication and healthy argument styles, but is to identify internal boundaries that make both partners happy.
Neither Janini nor Tushar would be happy in a relationship spending so much time together. For their relationship to be healthy, they require a significant amount of time apart doing independent activities. On the other hand, Mona and Farhan both require spending as little time apart as possible t be happy.
Technically, neither of these relationship styles is inherently wrong or unhealthy. What is more important than the amount of time spent together is whether both partners are happy with the set up. If someone like Janini and someone like Farhan were to be in a relationship, one would be dissatisfied because of how little time their partner gave them and the other would be dissatisfied because they would feel smothered with too much time together.
Both types of relationships will, however, face different struggles as their relationship grows. For example, though Janini and Tushar thrive on time apart, once they begin a family, they will be required to spend more time together. Losing their independence is going to be something they will have to anticipate and work harder to maintain when life circumstances demand more together time.
Similarly, Mona and Farhan, who thrive on time together, will struggle when one or both of them have personal or work demands that require time apart. Also, when they begin their family, parenting demands will require that each of them take on different roles and their time together will be significantly cut short.
All relationships will have to make adjustments as time goes on and each type of relationship will have different hurdles to cross. As long as both partners are happy with the current set up and are willing to work toward maintaining the health and happiness of the relationship as changes occur, any amount of time partners spend together or apart can be a part of a healthy relationship.
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