One of the most common questions asked when South Asians hear about an abusive situation is, “Why did the victim stay?” Especially in the case of domestic violence, people can show limited mercy and sympathy for the partner who was abused if he or she did not leave immediately.
The reality is that the presence of abuse significantly complicates a relationship, regardless of if it is between a parent and child or between spouses. The answers are no longer clear and taking action is not nearly as easy as it seems.
Here are some of the most common reasons it’s difficult for someone to speak up about or leave an abusive situation
1) Love and Trust. First and foremost, contrary to popular belief, most often the abuser is someone that the victim knows well. Because of this, there is a genuine sense of caring or love for the abuser prior to when the abuse begins. When physical, emotional or sexual abuse is introduced to the relationship, it causes significant conflict in the mind of the victim. Why is someone who I love and who loves me, trying to hurt me? This conflict often is negotiated by victims convincing themselves that the abuser must not have meant it in a bad way. This begins the cycle of creating excuses for abusive behavior.
2) Self-blame. Because a majority of abusive situations are between a victim and someone a victim knows, it is very common for victims to blame themselves for the abuse. First, this happens because it is often easier to accept that there is something wrong with you than something very seriously wrong with a person that you love and trust. Secondly, most abusers covertly and overtly send a message to their victims that they deserve to be abused and that the flaws are in the victim not the abuser. This message becomes internalized because of the manipulative nature of abuse. Children and teens are especially likely to blame themselves for causing the abuse.
3) Shame. Victims are made to feel very shameful by their abusers. Victims of emotional abuse can feel ashamed by their personality or characteristics, physical abuse victims can feel ashamed of their behavior and victims of sexual abuse very often feel ashamed of their bodies. Abusers are very skilled at making victims feel there is something wrong with them, which causes them to deserve to experience the pain of abuse. Another large source of shame comes from the victim answering the question, “What does me being in this situation say about me?” Leaving a partner or an abusive family member requires being able to accept that you stayed in the relationship long enough to be abused. Even if victims can accept that the abuse was not their fault, walking away and reviewing the situation from afar can shed light on a part of their personality or decisions that they may feel very ashamed of. It can be very difficult to accept that you have chosen an abusive partner or that you trusted your child with your family member and many victims tend to blame themselves for those decisions.
4) Fear. Victims of every type of abuse, whether it leaves a physical scar or not, live their life in fear. They are always fearful of the next time they will experience an attack, leaving them on edge and on high alert. Victims also are fearful of telling others because most abusers will have threatened to hurt them further if they talk to anyone else about what is going on. This fear is very real and prevents most abused children, teens and adults from sharing their experiences and getting help. This feeds into one of the major reasons why it is very difficult for children and adults to leave an abusive relationship. In addition, all victims, especially children and teenagers, are afraid that even if they overcome the fear of being hurt further no one will believe them when they talk about what they have been through.
October is Domestic Violence awareness month and it is imperative that South Asians take a proactive step in learning about the realities of partner and family violence. Children, teens, men and women are all abused on a daily basis. With a community of people who are aware of signs and symptoms, the hope is that the South Asian community will see a decrease in domestic violence over the coming years.
What do you know about domestic violence?