“The whole car smells like Chinese food!” Kunal exclaimed as he and his brother drove home. “I am starving!” Ashish simply smiled as he drove in the dark. His mind was on Preetika, wondering what condition she’d be in when they got home and if she was able to withstand waiting the 15 minute drive to pick up their dinner.
Kunal noticed his brother’s weak reaction and commented, “You look exhausted.” He had flown in the night before to visit his brother and sister-in-law and had not expected to see his brother so tired.
“I am,” Ashish said quietly as he rubbed his forehead. With a sigh he added, “It’s been a long week and I haven’t slept much.”
“Do you pick up food every day ?” Kunal asked.
“No, sometimes on the weekends I’ll cook for the week or if we run out of food then those days I’ll pick something up after work. ” Ashish said.
When they got home, Ashish dropped the food on the table and immediately went to check on his wife. She seemed in good spirits which made him breathe a sigh of relief as he returned to the table to prepare for dinner. He had to set everything up: put out the food, plates, utensils and glasses with a water pitcher.
Preetika had made her way over to the table and Kunal was ready to have a relaxing dinner with his family when Ashish shot up off of his chair. “We’re missing napkins,” he muttered to himself as he rushed to grab them before dinner began. Just as he sat down again, he remembered that Preetika likes hot sauce with her Chinese food.
“Ashish, sit down we can get things later if we need,” Kunal said, concerned that his starving brother was not able to relax and eat. Ashish knew his brother meant well and wanted to say, “Who will do it if not me?” He would never say that in front of Preetika so as always he kept quiet and said nothing. During dinner, he got up a few more times to take care of his wife. Kunal was in awe at how stressful a simple meal seemed to be for his brother. After dinner, Ashish helped Preetika settle on the sofa before cleaning the table and doing the dishes as he does every night.
“So you just have to do this all on your own every night?” Kunal asked as carefully as he could.
“Yes,” Ashish said trying to clean up as fast as he could so they could spend time with Preetika before she went to sleep.
“Don’t you ever feel resentful that it all fell on your shoulders?” Kunal continued.
How could Ashish answer such a question so simply? If he let himself feel anything other than care and love for his wife, he worried he would go down a dark path and may not be able to come back out. Of course he was upset at the situation. He didn’t want to be his wife’s nurse because he missed being her partner. He hated what she was going through but knew that her experience of it was far worse because she was the sick one.
It frustrated him to no end that there was nothing he could do to make her feel better and he comforted himself by doing everything around the house to make up for it. He hated that their marriage revolved around her illness and her symptoms. It irritated him that they couldn’t plan beyond 1 day in advance because they never knew how she would feel.
There were times at night when he’d watch her sleep that a tear would roll down his cheek out of frustration, sadness and anger. He wanted to throw a fit, to punch a wall or scream at the top of his lungs. But he kept it all in. If he let himself express what he actually felt he worried he’d never be able to get up the next day and do it all over again.
It was such a complex answer to Kunal’s question that all Ashish could muster up to say was, “Who ever said life is fair?” Just then, he realized he forgot to pick up Preetika’s medication. “I have to go before the pharmacy closes!” he said sounding even more stressed than he had been all evening. He ran around the house and brought tissue, water, the TV remote and a phone to Preetika so she would not have to get up while he was away. Kunal was worried about Ashish’s mental state so he asked to drive.
“I can’t believe I forgot,” Ashish said angrily to himself while they were driving. Kunal was worried about Ashish’s stress level.
“When was the last time you did something relaxing?” Kunal asked.
“Well we watched a movie last weekend. That was nice,” Ashish said.
“No, I mean just for yourself?” Kunal pushed. Ashish shook his head and laughed.
“You think I have time for myself?” he asked incredulously.
“No, but that’s my point. You are doing so much for Preetika, and that’s amazing how much you do. But you’re going to burn out Ashish,” Kunal said. “You have the best memory of anyone that I know. It’s not like you to forget something so important like medication. You’re pushing yourself too hard. You need a break.”
“How can I take a break? I don’t have time. I’m always taking care of Preetika. And if she’s feeling well then I want to spend as much time with her as I can,” Ashish said. “What kind of selfish person would I be to say to her, ‘You stay home with your illness and I’m going to go do something by myself’. Don’t you think she needs a break?” His voice was raising.
Kunal continued slowly. “Yes of course she needs a break. It’s terrible how she isn’t feeling better yet. But doing something for yourself is not selfish. Don’t think of it as you going to have fun. Think of it as recharging your battery so you can continue to give her what she needs.” Ashish was listening. He hadn’t thought of it like that before. Preetika had said the same things to him before but he always felt so guilty for taking time away from her so he never did.
“You never answered my question from earlier about whether you’re resentful or not but I’m guessing you have a lot of very mixed emotions that are stirring inside of you. You’re in a really difficult situation that a lot of people don’t understand. But those feelings are going to come out one way or another. Do you want them to come out on Preetika?” Kunal said.
“It doesn’t have to be a weekend or a day away from her. It can be half an hour if that’s all that’s practical,” Kunal urged. “But you have to do something. Between work, taking care of the house and taking care of your wife, you’re losing yourself and you could get really sick from all this stress. What will you do then?”
Ashish was amazed at this new perspective. He had really never thought of it like this. Spending some time doing things that he enjoyed didn’t sound so selfish the way Kunal put it. He understood that the stress will catch up to him. His neck had already started bothering him. What if it got worse and he couldn’t run around at this pace anymore? That thought scared him because the last thing he wanted was to not be able to take care of his wife.
“If you want to take care of her, you have to take care of yourself,” Kunal said.
Self-care is very difficult for caretakers who spend so much of their day attending to someone else’s needs. Burnout rate is very high and often caretakers end up feeling resentful, often taking out their emotions on their loved one, whether they intend to or not. In addition, stress-related health issues are extremely common in caretakers who push through their stress and don’t take time for themselves. Whether you take care of a child, a spouse, a sibling or a parent, spending even a few minutes every day to clear your mind, relax and regain energy goes a long way in how helpful you will actually be as a caretaker.
Have you been a caretaker before? What have you done to take care of yourself so you can be a better caregiver to your loved one?