Asking for help is something that countless people have trouble with. For South Asians, especially, being raised to constantly give, asking for help for yourself can feel selfish. Many also feel that they may be weak if they need help and that they “should” be able to do more on their own. During times of stress, a feedback loop begins when this added pressure exacerbates physical and mental health symptoms which leads to further isolation and continued worsening of physical and emotional symptoms.
For some, they understand that asking for help is the best decision and they trust that friends who have offered help do mean it. However, they are not sure how to ask for help. Here are some things to keep in mind if you wish to ask for help:
1. Offers are usually genuine. Rarely do people offer to help when they don’t mean it. Offering sympathies is much easier than offering help they don’t actually want to follow through on. If someone says “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” they most often are genuine in their offer. Keep these people in mind or make a list of them for when you do need to call upon help.
2. Follow up. Many people who make offers to help don’t follow up after the initial gesture for fear of seeming intrusive on your life. However, for you as the person needing help, it may feel as if they forgot about you. Since they made the offer, it is your job to follow up and give them a specific task to help you with.
3. Make a list of to dos. Sometimes you may know you need help but when the offer comes your mind goes blank on what your friends or loved ones can do. Make a specific list of errands, chores, or tasks that you need help with that is easily accessible.
4. Be direct. Asking for help, even from family or your best friend can feel awkward at times. In efforts to protect yourself from feeling too vulnerable, you may wish to speak indirectly or even passive-aggressively, for example “I wish I had someone to pick up a carton of milk for me.” This will not only confuse your loved one about what you need but will also make them feel as if you do not value their loving offer. Be direct in your request and ask, “Can I ask you for a big favor? Can you please pick up a carton of milk for me?”
5. Remember the meaning of closeness. A relationship with family or friends is not just so you can get together for celebrations, watch movies together and talk about your recent vacations. We build our networks so that we have support during good times and bad and that is expected from both sides. Not asking for help for fear of overextending yourself is like not driving your car for fear of wearing out the engine. Cars are meant to be driven and relationships are meant to be depended upon.
As much as you will gain out of receiving help, your loved one will also gain by being your support. They will feel closer to you, your relationship will be strengthened and in the future they will also feel comfortable calling on you for help.
How do you ask your loved ones for help?