Srishti sunk into the sofa and burst into tears. “What happened,” Sapan, her husband, asked. “Who was on the phone?”
“It was my mother. My father has cancer,” Srishti said between sobs. Sapan sat beside her and hugged her while she cried.
“I can’t believe this is happening. He’s so young and we have no cancer history in our family. He lives such a healthy life so it doesn’t make sense that this happened to him! I don’t want to lose him!” Srishti cried.
“You won’t lose him,” Sapan comforted.
“How do you know?” Srishti said feeling a little upset that Sapan would make such a confident comment.
“Well, like you said he is healthy and he is young so those two things are on his side,” Sapan said carefully trying to console Srishti. She backed away from him and looked at him with a puzzled expression.
“You don’t know how any of that makes a difference,” Srishti said.
“No,” Sapan conceded, “but I do know that he’s a fighter.”
“We’re talking about cancer,” Srishti said, beginning to get upset. “This isn’t some cold or flu that he has to recover from.”
“I don’t understand why you’re getting mad me. I’m just trying to stay positive,” Sapan said, becoming defensive.
“Well positive is one thing but you don’t even sound realistic,” Srishti argued back. Sapan let go of her hand and studied her face. Was she being serious or was she reacting out of emotion?
“You need to stop pretending everything is fine and just look at the reality for once. Life is not as simple as you think it is,” Srishti said to Sapan.
“I’m not some naïve little child, Srishti,” Sapan said, trying to keep his cool. “I’m just trying to keep some hope. There’s no use in being very negative. That’s not going to help your parents.”
“So now you’re telling me how to feel about the fact that my dad has cancer?” Srishti said incredulously. The two of them could see where this conversation was headed, but they couldn’t stop it.
“Never mind,” Sapan said out of frustration. “I’m just trying to help.”
“Well you’re not helping! I’m upset here and all you do is tell me to feel differently,” Srishti said crying again.
“If you weren’t so negative and focused more on the hope, maybe this wouldn’t be as big of an issue!” Sapan countered angrily.
The argument continued to degenerate, leaving the two of them feeling against each other instead supported by each other during their time of need.
During times of stress, a couple’s relationship can be strained by the fact that each partner copes with the situation in their own way. Because partners are not mind readers, they are often unsure of how to support each other, instead imposing their own coping methods on their partner. This can make their partner feel judged or that their emotions are being minimized. This type of hurt, especially during a stressful time, can lead to arguments instead of supportive conversations.
To avoid these arguments, it is important for each partner to share with the other what they need in the moment. When Sapan was trying to cheer Srishti up and make her feel more positive, instead of escalating the conversation, she could have asked for what she needed from Sapan. Saying something like, “I know you’re being helpful but I would just like to talk and have you listen” would have made it clear to Sapan how he can best support her without trying to make her think like he thinks. She would have also felt supported by him and more open to hearing his hopeful viewpoint afterwards.
From the early stages of the relationship, couples should practice healthy communication so that when a stressful or traumatic time occurs, they have a strong foundation to rely on, preventing unnecessary arguments.
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