Ask any South Asian child and they will tell you that they never saw their parents being physically affectionate with each other. They definitely did not witness any kissing and perhaps they have 1 or 2 memories of them holding hands in front of the kids. South Asian couples who are parents are affectionate with each other in private but in public, they are friends and parents before relationship partners.
Children of South Asian parents have learned this too and have internalized the cultural value of not being physically or emotionally affectionate in public, especially around family or family friends. This creates distance between the couple and if the couple has just recently had an argument, this behavior pattern will continue to decrease the level of intimacy and closeness in the relationship. It can also make reaching the 5:1 ratio of positive thoughts to negative comments seem impossible.
Here are some ways of showing affection to help South Asian couples to stay connected in social situations without being culturally inappropriate:
1) If you have had an argument right before you have a social engagement, don’t walk into a party, gathering, or event until you have repaired it. That can mean both of you apologizing even if you haven’t resolved the issue or making a joke that you know both will laugh at to put you both at ease before you meet you friends or family.
2) Regardless of whether you have had an argument or not, be sure to check in with each other during the social gathering. Even if it’s a simple comment such as, “Do you need more idli?” or “I see that they’ve made your favorite: biriyani!” It sends the message that you’re still thinking about your partner without crossing the culturally inappropriate boundary of being overly affectionate.
3) If a joke or reference is made about something that refers to a private or inside joke between you and your partner, be sure to make eye contact or give some indication that you know you both are thinking about the same thing. It gives a sense of closeness even though you are on the other side of the room. And if the joke was good, no one will notice that you are looking at each other!
4) Make a comment about your partner to others in the room. If everyone is talking about how delicious the dessert is, share a positive story about your significant other that relates to the story, such as, “Amar loves chocolate! You wouldn’t believe what other amazing desserts he can make when chocolate is involved!
Your partner may be slightly embarrassed by the gushing, but it conveys a very strong message that you think they are special are amazing enough to show off to your friends.
5) After the night is over, as you are driving home, debrief about the event. This just means, talking about how the event went, what each of you noticed, how you reacted to different conversations, etc.
Often, the woman easily transitions into this and the man may have some difficulty thinking of things to say. But as you and your partner establish this as a routine after any social gathering, husbands and boyfriends will not only have more and more comments each time, but he will also started paying attention to more details during the event! This helps increase the frequency of tips #1-4 above!
What do you do stay connected at social gatherings while still respecting the cultural values of affection?
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