With the Thanksgiving holiday quickly approaching, many South Asians will be getting together with their families to celebrate. Whether the holiday is commemorated by a traditional turkey dinner or a vast spread of South Asian delights, the image of Thanksgiving is about families being very happy to be together and that the weekend goes by smoothly.
While some families have found a way to minimize the stress on each family member and enjoy spending the holiday together, many South Asians have a very different experience than the one that is portrayed to be the experience everyone should have. Many families experience a significant amount of stress and for some South Asians, going back to visit their families for the long weekend can increase the level of stress and anxiety that is felt before and during the holiday. Here is an example:
It was Tuesday night, Ketan had just finished his last midterm and was packing to fly back home for Thanksgiving. He noticed that his stomach still felt upset. He had attributed it initially to anxiety about his Rhetoric midterm; however, despite feeling confident about the exam, he still felt uneasy. He continued packing until his stomach began hurting so much he contemplated taking medication.
Taking a break from packing for a few minutes, he lay down on his bed thinking about the holiday coming up. He would see his parents, sister and new brother-in-law for Thanksgiving. In addition, his mother had mentioned that her cousin and her husband were visiting from England would be joining them for the holiday as well. The more he thought about going back home, the more his stomach continued to hurt.
Ketan began wondering what about this holiday was making him feel so physically upset. He called his sister to help him understand what he was going through. “You’re stressed,” said Kirti matter-of-factly. “You have been on your own for a year and a half now and when you think about coming home, you remember how difficult it can be to be here.”
“That’s so mean. How can I feel stressed about coming home? And how can I say that our family is difficult to be around?” asked Ketan, feeling conflicted. He was relieved that Kirti understood his feelings, but also felt guilty for feeling so negatively about this family and his trip home for the holiday.
“Well you can pretend it’s not happening, but the truth is, they are going to be difficult to be around. I feel the same stress and I’ve been trying to prepare Amol. It’s just the way that it is, whether we like it or not,” stated Kirti confidently.
Ketan began to understand that his stomach aches were a sign of stress. While he deeply loved his family, being around them for more than a day or two had become difficult since he had moved away to college. Meeting other people, expanding his horizons and learning more about himself, he realized how overbearing his mother could be. He knew that going back home would mean watching his mother try to control what everyone ate, drank, wore and what they did all weekend. He also realized that it meant having to sit through uncomfortable silences while his parents bickered as they had since he was a little child. In addition, neither of their parents were very flexible when it came to adding more people to an event so he knew having his brother-in-law and his mother’s cousin and spouse at the table would cause both of his parents a significant amount of anxiety and stress too. And when they became stressed, his mother became more argumentative and his father drank more alcohol causing him to sometimes act embarrassingly.
By accepting that he was feeling stressed about going home, he was able to have a productive conversation with Kirti about how to manage his time away.
Here are seven tips on how to manage your stress over the holiday:
1) Be honest and realistic about the amount and type of stress to be expected. By accepting the reality, you are helping yourself prepare for how to best manage the stress that will exist regardless of your acceptance.
2) Recognize your boundaries. Take a break from your family if things are becoming too stressful. Plan time to meet with other people such as friends, fellow students, neighbors, etc. to give yourself space so that you are recharged to continue spending time with your family.
3) Exercise. Take a walk, go for a run, lift weights, etc. This is a fantastic approach to managing any type of stress as it will release endorphins, chemicals that counter the body’s stress reaction.
4) Help with the preparations. Sometimes when someone causes us stress or anxiety, we tend to view the person as not our ally and we forget the underlying relationship between us. By helping prepare for meals, you will be working toward a common goal and will be on the same team at least for a little while. This will also give you something to do with your hands, which is a great stress-relief technique.
5) Have a plan. Know how you will respond to the predictable stressors and have a plan for how you will manage the surprise stressors that might pop up. Examples can include taking a bathroom break, stopping the conversation to acknowledge the stressor, having another family member be your support through the stress, etc.
6) Find humor and laugh. Laughter has been shown to significantly reduce anxiety and counter the damaging effects of stress. Watch a funny movie, go to a comedy show or play a board game that will make everyone laugh. This will also be a great way to spend time with the family together doing a focused task that everyone can engage in.
7) Most importantly, know that you are not alone. Many South Asians go home to a family situation that does not mirror the expected vision of a Thanksgiving weekend. While the holidays are presumed to be a time when everyone is happy and feeling great, sometimes that is just not the reality and it is acceptable (and quite common) to feel sad, lonely or anxious during the holiday season.
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