When Raj was born in 1951, his father Manmohan was 2 miles away, with his friends, buying them tea and snacks in celebration of the birth of his first son. Raj and his mother went to her parents house and Manmohan held his son for the first time two months after Raj’s birth. Raj remembers his father being at home but never playing with him or helping him with his homework. “Responsibility of the children is the woman’s job,” he remembers Manmohan saying. “I simply step in when they need to be disciplined.”
When Raj’s wife was pregnant with their first child, Raj attended all of the Lamaze classes and was in the delivery room watching Samesh be born. Raj held him immediately after his birth and vowed to not be as distant of a father to him as Manmohan was to Raj. He played with Samesh as a child and helped him with his homework as often as he could. When Samesh needed comfort, though, Raj turned him over to Samesh’s mother. “Women have a way of nurturing children that men don’t know how to do,” was Raj’s philosophy. Work responsibilities often trumped family responsibilities and he would have to stay late or travel quite a bit causing him to be away from Samesh more than he wanted.
Devan was born to Samesh and Priya two years ago. Samesh followed in his father’s footsteps of being involved in the birthing classes. He attended all of Priya’s prenatal appointments, read parenting books and even cut Devan’s umbilical cord when he was born. Samesh took 4 weeks of paternity leave to be at home with his wife and his new son, changing diapers consistently and helping Priya learn how to nurse. Every night, Samesh gives Devan a massage, believing that nursing was Devan’s one one one time with Priya so massage can be what helps the father and son develop their close relationship. “Once Devan stopped nursing, anything Priya did, I could do too. Fathers can take care of children just as well as mothers can,” is Samesh’s perspective on fatherhood.
Needless to say, South Asian fathers have become more and more involved in the parenting process and are more hands on when it comes to raising their children. The psychology research world has also become more interested in the effects that fathers have on childhood development. So far, it’s looking like fathers’ influence on a child’s development is just as important, and sometimes even more important, than mothers’ influence and love.
Cognitive Ability and Academic Achievement
Fathers who are involved and caring have a very strong and positive impact on a child’s cognitive development and educational achievement. Specifically, these children have higher IQs, learn to talk sooner, have a larger vocabulary and are better able to handle stresses and frustrations related to school. These findings extend all they way through adolescence as these children are more likely to be academically successful.
Emotional Wellbeing and Social Behavior
Father’s engage in far more rough-and-tumble play than mothers, who act as more of the voice of concern and safety. Research is showing that engaging in physical play with the fathers helps teach children how to control their own impulses, also known as self-regulation. Children with fathers who play with them regularly are more likely to delay gratification, embrace challenges, be more assertive, and overcome obstacles successfully. In addition, these children are more likely to be assertive, confident and able to manage stress in a healthier manner as children, teens and adults.
Children with involved fathers are also more likely to be emotionally secure, experience less anxiety, depression and behavior problems. These children are more well-liked by their peers and have stronger relationships both platonically and romantically into their adulthood.
Daughters of involved fathers are much more likely to have high self-confidence, especially during their teenage years, are far less likely to experience depression and are more likely to find a healthy partnership as a young adult because of the positive role model that her father had been in her life. These girls are less likely to find themselves in abusive relationships.
These girls also wait longer to have sexual relationships than fathers who are not as involved, a finding that is not seen based on a mother’s involvement in the daughter’s life. This seems to be true because girls with attentive fathers feel less pressure or desire to seek attention from males of her age than daughters who grow up with inattentive, uninvolved fathers.
What Makes a Father Involved and Caring?
It is not the big gestures that makes a father involved and caring, such as planning extravagant day outings or providing generous gifts. An involved and caring father engages with the child at all ages (from newborn to young adult) in regular one-on-one interactions. Those include, playing regularly with the child, changing diapers, reading or engaging in bath time. Involved fathers can read their child and anticipate their emotional needs.
These fathers are readily available when the child needs support and can help the child successfully on a regular basis. In addition, these fathers regularly attend doctor’s appointments for the child or are very involved in their physical care. Finally, fathers who can model social behavior by being around friends and encouraging their children to behave socially also are considered involved and hands on fathers.
The biggest predictor of an involved father is a strong and healthy relationship with the child’s mother (regardless of whether the parents are married, separated or divorced). When conflict in a marriage is dealt with constructively and respectfully, the fathers are much more likely to be involved and hands on. However, if the relationship is strained, contains excessive conflict or is marked by hostility and resentment, fathers tend to withdraw from their partners as well as from their children.
What are some ways you think a father can be involved in their children’s lives? We would love your thoughts on the article. Please leave a comment below.