This story is purely fictional and is not intended to represent a real family. Any similarities between this family and a real life family are purely coincidental. This is Part 3 of a series. For Part 1, click here and for Part 2, click here.
After Nina met Rakesh’s parents, the relationship picked up steam. They spent almost every day together and Rakesh tried hard to maintain the romance by buying her beautiful gifts for her birthday or other holidays. Whenever they went out with friends, Rakesh would proudly introduce Nina as his girlfriend and have his arm around her at all time, making Nina feel very loved, wanted and protected by her boyfriend.
However, in the back of her head, Nina continued to wonder if there was something she was missing that her friend Anjani saw in Rakesh. She maintained that she knew Rakesh better and that Anjani was being protective, but once in a while something would happen that would make that question more prominent in her mind.
One afternoon, during their senior year of college, Nina had a project meeting with some classmates. She told Rakesh she would meet him for dinner after the meeting. Around 7:30, when the project was still not complete, she called Rakesh to cancel their dinner plans. He became upset but quickly calmed down and said that he wanted to spend the evening with her. Nina apologized and took a rain check for the next day.
Fifteen minutes later, he appeared at the student center, where the meeting was taking place. Nina was shocked to see him.
“I couldn’t bear to spend an evening apart so I thought I’d come and study with you all,” he said boldly. Nina could not find a good reason to be upset with him, as it was very sweet that he wanted to be with her, but she could feel the doubtful eyes on her from her classmates, wondering why her boyfriend needed to be with her while they were working. Nina was uncomfortable but kept trying to convince herself that she has the most loving boyfriend and that others just didn’t understand what it meant to be in such a close relationship.
Nina had also started losing touch with her friends as she and Rakesh mostly spent time alone or with his friends. After months of being apart, Nina thought of her good friend Anjani and the two decided to have a long dinner to catch up with each other’s lives. Nina confided in Anjani about the difficulties she had been having with Rakesh. She told Anjani about the class project incident and how Rakesh seemed to get really jealous when she was with any other guys, whether they be classmates or friends he has already met. She also lamented about how long it had been since she and Anjani had seen each other.
“I know,” echoed Anjani, “it has been a very long time.”
“Why does he do this? I don’t get it! The jealousy was cute at the beginning but now it’s just starting to get annoying,” Nina complained. Just then her phone rang and it was Rakesh, calling to check in on her for the 2nd time that night.
“I’m fine,” Nina said emphatically, annoyed that he kept interrupting an evening she had been looking forward to for weeks.
“He’s controlling, can’t you see that?” Anjani asked. “He can’t stand not knowing what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with. He needs to monitor you. That’s why he keeps calling” she said.
“Couldn’t it be that he just wants to check-in to make sure I’m ok?” Nina asked, wanting to believe she was right but worried that Anjani might be more accurately describing the situation.
“Well how does it feel to you? From how you answered, you sounded annoyed instead of happy that he cares,” Anjani said matter-of-factly.
“You’re right, I should be more patient with him,” Nina said quietly. “He’s been under a lot of stress because of midterm projects and he always says when I’m around he feels less stress.”
Anjani sighed. “If you want to keep making excuses for him and changing your life and how you behave to suit him, that’s your call. For the record, I think you’re making a mistake.”
Nina was torn. She did not know how to balance the fact that no one else knew the real Rakesh and the fact that she was concerned maybe Anjani might be correct in what she was saying.
Unfortunately for Nina, she chose to believe that Anjani was speaking from a place of ignorance and that only she, Nina, knew the true situation. So she continued to explain away Rakesh’s behavior:
When he became upset that she didn’t pick up the phone during dance practice, it was because he wanted open communication and she had made that difficult. She decided to always stop what she was doing to answer his call.
When he became jealous about her hanging out in a co-ed classmate group, it was because he loved her so much he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else spending time with her. So she slowly phased out hanging out with other guys.
When he became frustrated with her for no reason when she asked him a simple question, it was because he had not slept enough the night before and was tired. She began to monitor his mood before asking or saying anything to him.
When he asked her to attend the local graduate school instead of the more prestigious one farther away, it was because he prioritized their relationship high and she was being selfish for thinking of her career. So she declined the offer from her dream school.
She truly believed that he made her a better person and that she learned so much from him.
Two years into her graduate studies, Nina and Rakesh got married. It was much earlier than Nina had ever dreamed of but she was happy to spend the rest of her life with the one man she had always loved.
“Sure he has his flaws,” she told a shocked Anjani when Nina announced their engagement, “but who doesn’t?”
Rakesh’s mood swings persisted but his jealousy had decreased. Nina was proud that she had helped him become a better person in that way. Little did she realize the reason his jealousy had declined was because she no longer hung out with a co-ed group alone. It had happened so gradually that she never noticed the transition.
Their one year wedding anniversary was coming up and Nina and mentioned to Rakesh a few times how she missed how romantic he used to be at the beginning of their relationship. Reluctantly, he called Anjani, the only friend of Nina’s that he trusted, and asked her to help him plan a romantic anniversary dinner.
On the night of the anniversary, Rakesh had set up their dining room with flowers and candles. He was playing their favorite songs in his ipod and had cooked Nina’s favorite meal. He had spent 4 hours working on the evening because the first time he had made the ravioli, they came out terribly. While the room looked gorgeous and the food eventually turned out great, Rakesh was already in a bad mood. Nina came home from studying at the library and marveled at the beautifully decorated room.
She could feel Rakesh’s sour mood from across the apartment so she asked how she can cheer him up. He didn’t answer but asked her to sit while he served her.
“Wait let me go wash my hands and change into something nicer to celebrate!” Nina said sweetly.
Rakesh became angry and yelled, “Just sit will you? Otherwise this stupid ravioli will go bad again!” Nina figured he was just stressed from planning the evening. She began to feel guilty for asking him to do some much for her, but she didn’t want to eat her anniversary dinner in her sweats.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be quick. I already know what I want to wear so it won’t take me half an hour to change like it normally does,” she said jokingly trying to get him to smile.
Rakesh, in his fury, threw a ladle toward Nina. It whizzed past her left ear and hit the wall behind her. “No! You are so ungrateful and unappreciative. You have no idea how much I’ve done for you. I didn’t want to do any of this but I did it for you! So just sit down and eat the damn ravioli!”
Nina was in shock. Who was this person standing before her? She thought back to the romantic, happy, charismatic and lovable Rakesh she knew in college and did not see that same person in the man standing before her today.
She burst into tears and fell to the ground with a mix of emotions rushing through her. Rakesh immediately felt bad and came to her side. “I’m sorry Nina-bear,” he said softly. “It’s just, if you had just listened to me, you wouldn’t have made me get so upset.”
She felt confused about what had just happened, guilty about asking her husband to do something nice for their anniversary, angry that he had just thrown something in her direction, and frustrated that she felt like such a small, insignificant person for the first time in her life and had no idea how to fix it.
She thought back to what she was like as a young girl, independent, strong and happy. Now, she had lost her ability to speak up, afraid of angering her husband. She had also lost connection with many of her good friends who had tried to get her to see what Rakesh was truly like. Nina just did not want to see what they saw and they became frustrated and stopped talking to her.
She remembered a moment when Seema said to her, “I don’t know if I can hang out with you anymore because I can’t watch you put yourself in a hurtful situation day after day. Maybe there are no bruises now, but he’s hurting you every day and it kills me to see you go through that, knowing I can’t do anything because you just don’t want to accept the reality.”
She asked Rakesh to leave her alone for the rest of the night
The next day, she met with Anjani.
“Anjani, you’ve been the only friend that has stayed by my side through everything. I’ve complained to you before about all the problems that Rakesh and I have had,” said Nina. “His jealousy, his mood swings, the way he always calls me to see what I’m doing. And now this happens and I just don’t know what to do.” She paused and then said emphatically, “He’s not a bad person. He’s not a bad guy so please don’t think that. I just don’t know what to do to help him.”
Anjani waited for Nina to finish and then said, “What do you want me to do to help you?” Nina looked puzzled. “I can tell you all kinds of things that you should do but if you’re not ready then I can’t push that on you. So tell me what you need right now.”
Nina said, “Tell me what to do. Be honest.” Anjani handed her a business card to a domestic abuse shelter and asked Nina to call them. “They will be the best at helping you figure out your situation in the safest way possible. Until you have a plan, go home and stay with your family.”
“But he didn’t hit me. He just threw something in my direction,” said Nina quietly. “That’s still domestic violence?”
“Yes. The controlling, the monitoring, the jealousy, it’s called emotional abuse. It doesn’t leave any physical scars but it does hurt you. And it’s the precursor to physical violence later on and I don’t ever want you to go through that. You need to stay away from him until things improve and you are no longer in danger. I know you know this, but this one incident is proof that things have gotten worse over the years and that they will continue to get worse until he can change. You can’t put yourself in that position of risking your safety,” explained Anjani.
Nina listened carefully to what Anjani said and for the first time truly heard her words without making excuses for Rakesh. She finally agreed that something needed to change and it could no longer be her. Nina asked Anjani to sit with her as she called the shelter and together they took the first step in Nina’s healing.
If you or someone you know is in a situation similar to Nina’s, please call a local domestic abuse organization or hotline to receive help. You can also read here for more information on domestic abuse in South Asians.
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