So why is contempt so detrimental to a relationship? Because according to Gottman, the leading researcher on relationships and couples therapy, expressing contempt is the same as expressing disgust!
Think about the last time you ate something really disgusting: sour milk, moldy fruit, etc. Aside from probably making a face when you realize the food is disgusting you also develop a distaste for the food, immediately spit it out or throw it away and you don’t approach it again.
This same process occurs during a conversation that incites a feeling of contempt. When you roll your eyes at your partner or respond sarcastically to their comments, you are usually expressing disgust.
For most of us at some point, and for some of us more regularly, when we feel insulted or criticized, we develop a distaste for the person who hurled the hurtful words toward us. And in the same way that we protect our stomachs from rancid food by spitting it out, we protect our feelings by spitting out contemptuous remarks back at our partners. It is this same experience and expression of disgust in a relationship that is a clear sign of trouble.
The best way to handle this is to bite your tongue when your partner criticizes you.
Ha! If only it were so easy, right?
It feels incredibly difficult, and sometimes impossible to not fight back when someone has hurt you. However, not responding at all is the best way to avoid ruining the conversation and further hurting the relationship in the long run.
Ask your partner to restate their concerns in a less criticizing way. If they can’t, suggest a break until you cool off. Examples of ways to cool off include: taking a walk, writing in a journal, venting to a friend, cleaning, cooking, etc.
When it gets to this point in a conversation, if you and your partner can re-route the conversation to be productive, you will do wonders to the health of your relationship in the long run.
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