Many South Asians try to find a partner that is similar to them at least outwardly, thinking that outward similarities translate to internal similarities. For example, a Brahmin from Hydrabad who speaks Gujarati might strongly prefer to marry another Brahmin from Hydrabad who speaks Gujarati!
More commonly with the first generation South Asians in the US, parents may want them to meet someone whose family superficially looks like their own family (for example, coming from a specific town in Rajasthan and immigrating to the US around the same time) thinking that will encourage a better match between their children.
While these similarities can imply a small set of deeper commonalities, such as some values or views of the world, they tend to cover the reality that the two partners come from different families, have had different experiences growing up and can have different opinions of the same situation.
As the relationship becomes deeper and more serious, many of the internal differences become more obvious and couples often get into a “let-me-convince-you-I’m-right” approach. This will make your partner feel unvalued and feel as if you think you are better than them. This is a very hurtful message to send and will result in them feeling defensive. These perpetual fights usually gridlock the problem and can be very harmful for the relationship.
You will not be able to change your partner’s past experiences or the way they were raised in their family. So a sign of a healthy relationship is being able to accept that some disagreements are not solvable because of the fundamental differences between you and your partner.
A common example of this is how to raise children. One of you may value high discipline because that was how you were raised and you find the value in it. On the flip side, your partner may have also been raised with high discipline and had such negative experiences that he or she does not wish to do the same to your child. Every time a situation arises regarding disciplining your child, you might notice you get into a disagreement, probably the same disagreement, every time.
The best way to handle it is to avoid convincing the other person you are right or trying to change what they think or believe. Instead accept that the disagreement is part of your relationship because of inherent differences between the two of you and have a dialogue about it.
For example, “Little Raja stole a pencil from his friend and lied about it. I think we should have him write a letter to apologize and then take away TV and games for 2 months. What do you think?” Listen to your partner respectfully and try to fully understand their point. Then, work towards finding a compromise.
Having perpetual disagreements are completely normal and exist in every single relationship. Trying to convince the other person you are right can be harmful to the marriage but accepting your differences and being able to talk about how to manage them can be very rewarding and is a sign of a healthy relationship.
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