This is part 3 of a 3 part series. For Part 1, please click here and Part 2 click here.
Shikha and Nirav sat nervously in the therapist’s waiting room. The anxiety in the room was palpable. Nirav’s leg was shaking nonstop as he looked around at the decorations on the wall. Shikha was flipping through a magazine without registering anything that she was reading.
Both of them were consumed by their thoughts. More than being worried about what counseling is or what their friends would think if they found out, both Shikha and Nirav were nervous that counseling wouldn’t work. Where would that leave them then?
Finally, after what seemed like two hours of waiting, a South Asian therapist called them into her office. The office was cozy with two chairs and a sofa for Shikha and Nirav to sit on, a couple of plants and a zen water garden on the side table. Shikha and Nirav were surprised at how non-threatening the office looked. Doctor’s offices looked far more intimidating this a counselor’s office. They began to relax and sat down next to each other on the sofa, closer to each other than they had sat in months.
With 10 years of counseling experience behind her, what Sandhya loved best about working with South Asian clients was using the strengths of the culture and of the couple to help them learn how to improve their relationship. With a first time couple, like Shikha and Nirav, she liked to always check in first.
“How are you both today?” she asked.
“Fine,” Nirav and Shikha replied in unison.
“From what I remember speaking with you on the phone, you both are here because you’re worried about your relationship and how well it is going, is that correct?” Sandhya started, carefully. The couple nodded. “Why don’t you tell me a little about what’s concerning each of you.”
After some hesitation, Nirav began. “We don’t have a connection like we used to. We barely talk to each other and don’t do much together anymore. We live separate lives and it seems like we’ve tried everything to fix that and nothing works.” Sandhya nodded listening carefully.
Shikha added, “We used to fight constantly. At least every 2-3 weeks we would have a terrible argument that takes days to recover from. Over the past 6 or 8 months, we haven’t fought much because it’s just gotten easier to avoid talking to each other. If we don’t talk then we won’t fight.”
The couple went on for a few more minutes as Sandhya prodded for more details about the marital concerns. She realized quickly that the couple’s relationship was truly standing on its last legs. They both talked often about not being interested in each other, preferring to do activities or work alone than together, and losing energy and motivation to fix their problems.
“When couples get to a point where they ‘don’t care’ anymore or they feel disengaged from the relationship, that is a strong signal that something has not been working properly in the relationship for a very long time. It’s a really great thing you did by coming to counseling. I believe I can help you get to where you want to be in your marriage,” Sandhya explained. “Now that I have a general sense of what the problem is, and I’m sure we all will learn more about the roots of the problems as we work together, I would like to know what your goals are for counseling.”
“Not fight anymore,” Nirav said as if the therapist had asked a silly question. “What else would it be?”
“Certainly. But from what you described, you aren’t fighting very much anymore, right?” Sandhya pointed out astutely. They have been avoiding fighting by avoiding each other, which is a much more precarious situation for a relationship to be in. Both Shikha and Nirav were astounded by her insight and they sat in deep thought for a few minutes.
“Couples who have been unhappy for such a long time often have a difficult time answering this question so take your time with it,” reassured Sandhya. “Perhaps I can ask another question and we can revisit this one toward the end of our session today.” The couple agreed, still baffled that such a simple question about goals was so hard to find an answer to.
“Why did you decide to marry each other?” asked Sandhya. Another shock to Nirav and Shikha. They thought couples counseling would be a free-for-all where the two of them could rip into each other while the therapist refereed the fights. They never realized they could talk about positive things in couples counseling.
While they both began slowly, both Shikha and Nirav became more and more animated as they heard the each other talk about themselves in a way that they hadn’t in years.
“He has the best sense of humor. I dated him because he could always make me laugh and I love to laugh,” Shikha said with a smile.
“She does have a great laugh,” Nirav said looking at her.
They reminisced about the trips they had taken over the years, their first few dates, how they used to flirt with each other. There was a twinkle in their eye and they were both smiling for the entire conversation. Sitting close to each other no longer felt like something they should do in front of a counselor, but felt like they really wanted to be close again. That the couple could remember their history positively was a clue to Sandhya that they both truly did care for each other and want the relationship to work. Usually couples who have actually given up on their marriage would not be able to answer this question with as much emotion and fondness as Shikha and Nirav did.
“Does this help you better identify your goals for counseling?” Sandhya asked as the session was drawing to a close?
Shikha nodded. “I want that again. I want to be happy with him. I want to be able to talk to him about anything without worrying what I’m going to say.”
“I agree,” Nirav echoed. “We have to find the positive side of our relationship again.”
“It looks like you already started doing that today,” Sandhya smiled. “I would like to get into more specifics and create concrete, measureable goals next time.”
Both Shikha and Nirav agreed and left the session feeling better than they had in almost two years. On the car ride back home they talked to each other more than they had in weeks. The fear of starting an argument, while it was in the back of their heads still, did not dictate their behaviors for the 25 minute drive. Whether couples counseling was going to fix their marriage was still up in the air, but they both went to bed that night grateful to have had a taste of how much better their relationship can be if they stayed in counseling.
They agreed to give it a try for a few months. It was the first thing they’d agreed on in over 6 months.
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