It was 2am and they were both bleary-eyed. They were exhausted, frustrated and felt as if they had just taken several steps backwards in their relationship. They had been married 2 years, together for 7, and still they had these arguments once in a while that took all of their energy and went on for 3 or 4 rounds.
They both sat in their chairs feeling beat down. “I know you love me,” Tejal said, “But do you even like me right now?” It was a fair question to ask. If an outsider had heard their conversation, they might have mistaken these spouses for enemies. When the fights get this big, both Tejal and Ajit tend to speak harshly, far more harshly than they actually feel. Getting their point across or being right becomes more of a goal than being kind to their partner.
E
very couple has fights like these that often last a long time and end up hurting the other person more than actually resolving the situation. Most couples argue about intimacy, children and finances although these fights can be about almost anything that is a sensitive topic to one or both partners. While arguments like this, if they happen once in a while, are not a sign of an unhealthy relationship, their frequency often signifies a deeper problem that a couple might be avoiding.
After an argument like this, both partners are often left feeling isolated, alone and misunderstood. Mostly, as Tejal questioned, both partners often wonder if the other likes them very much and enjoys being in their company. For everyone, our basic need to be liked and wanted comes into question, which is especially hurtful when that is questioned by the person closest to us.
Reconnecting after a fight is crucial to the health of a relationship as it reinforces that your partner is still a priority to you and not hurting them is more important than winning any argument. Here are some tips on how to return to the same team after a difficult argument:
1) Apologize. While you do not have to agree with your partner’s points of view, the fact that the argument escalated is because of both of you. Each partner should take turns to apologize for their contribution in making the fight worse. By apologizing, you are conveying respect to your partner and acknowledging that how you treated them in the argument is not how you actually wish to treat them.
2) Make each other laugh. Some couples, after a fight, find it easy to laugh at themselves for how ridiculous they sounded. Others might feel that the topic is too sensitive but might be able to find humor in something else. Regardless at what you laugh about, ensure that it is a topic you both feel comfortable with. After a fight like this, both partners are highly stressed and laughter has very positive health properties.
3) Reminisce about the good times. Think back to your favorite memories with each other to remind you of why you are with this person. Couples tend to demonize their partners in arguments that become heated and it becomes difficult to remember the positive experiences they’ve shared.
4) Plan a date. Soon after the argument, plan a day or evening alone doing things that you both enjoy. Arguments like this can hurt the trust and bond in a relationship and to rebuild that takes attention, care and time. Doing something enjoyable together can help repair some of that hurt and help partners feel like they are on the same team again.
5) Make a plan to check in again. Often fights of this magnitude are not resolved right away. Make a plan to check in with each other within a few days to discuss any new thoughts, questions or concerns that have arisen. By planning for this both partners are aware this conversation will happen and will feel less overwhelmed the next time you address this issue.
None of these tips are designed to resolve the argument specifically. However, they are designed to remind couples that having a strong foundation and trust that they both care for each other will help them find a compromise to whatever difficult situation they find themselves in.
How do you recover after a big fight with your partner? Please leave your comment below.