He could tell that she was upset. She always walked a little harder, closed doors a little louder and would rarely look him in the eye. He could tell his anxiety was increasing as he wracked his brain trying to figure out what he had done wrong. He had to ask her what was wrong.
“Nothing,” Sejal said quickly as she walked past him.
Manish asked again, “You seem upset. What’s going on? Talk to me.”
“Nothing,” she said emphatically.
“You know there’s nothing I can do to make it better if you don’t tell me what happened,” he said calmly, trying not to become upset that she was avoiding the issue.
She turned to him and said, “How do you not know already?”
“I thought–” he began.
“You never know what the problem is and then I always have to come in and spell everything out for you.” Sejal said angrily.
“I’m trying to understand—” he again started.
“Why do I have to always do all the work? Why don’t you figure it out yourself for once?” Sejal said almost yelling at him.
“I would like –” he said but she continued anyway.
“It’s because you don’t try. That’s all it is,” Sejal said throwing her hands up in the air.
Manish took a breath in and said calmly, “You’re interrupting me.” For the first time in several minutes, Sejal stayed quiet. “I would like to hear you out but I would also like to have a chance to answer all of your questions too.”
Quietly, Sejal said, “Ok. Go ahead.”
What Manish had done is what most healthy couples are able to do no matter how heated or negative an argument had become: engage in short-chain metacommunication. This means being able to take yourself out of the content of the conversation and talk about what’s happening in your conversation. By staying calm and not becoming upset or taking offense to Sejal’s criticisms, Manish decided to step back and comment on the fact that every time she asked him a question, she would never let him answer. When he spoke calmly and made that observation, Sejal was also able to realize that what she was doing was unproductive and she was able to see the fairness of his point, step back and let him speak.
Healthy, satisfied couples use metacommunication just as often as couples in dissatisfying relationships. However, how they use it is different. Had their relationship been filled with resentment, disdain or contempt, when Manish pointed out what Sejal was doing, she would have responded with something like “I wouldn’t have to if I knew you’d say something helpful.” This would have begun a cycle of increased criticism and defensiveness that would have taken the entire conversation off track. Whereas couples like Manish and Sejal who are in a healthy relationship are able to talk about what’s happening in their conversation quickly and effectively and not dwell on the metacommunication which would become a distraction from the problem at hand.
Healthy couples also make these astute observations in a neutral tone whereas couples who are unhappy in their relationship often make these comments with a hint of resentment or contempt. For those in unhealthy relationships, instead of it being an opportunity to start over and focus on improving the situation, metacommunication becomes another opportunity to make their own point about what they are dissatisfied about. The unending cycle begins and rarely do the couple resolve their original argument at that time.
How does metacommunication look in your relationship? Please leave your comments below.