One of the easiest negative relationship patterns to get into is believing that your position is right and is the only position that can be right. In fact, many clinicians are quick to point out, that in a conversation there is your truth, your partner’s truth and the real truth that no one can see because of our role in the conversation.
One of the best things South Asian couples can do for their relationship is to accept the fact that emotions are subjective and that no matter what you or your partner feels, it is valid. By doing this, couples set the stage for more respectful arguments, which increases the chance of finding a compromise to a potential dilemma.
Here are two sample conversations on the same topic. Notice how in the first one, from the beginning both partners are speaking defensively and with contempt because they have taken the others’ words to be a criticism of how they feel. If emotions and experiences are subjective, telling or implying that your partner should not feel the way they feel will result in a cycle of unhealthy communication.
Conversation #1 – non-validating
Lekha: We’ve been so busy these last few weekends. Would have been nice to have some time at home to do things around the house.
Sanjeev: I don’t know why you’d say that. We got back early from the party last night. And plus, yesterday we washed the dishes in the sink didn’t we?
Lekha: Yes, after three days of them just sitting there. And why would anyone want to do things around the house after 10pm?
Sanjeev: Now you don’t make any sense. If we had the time and you chose not to do it then, why complain in the first place?
Lekha: I’m just saying that we need to try and find some more time at home to take care of things around the house.
Sanjeev: Or you can figure out when there actually is time and then do whatever you want then.
Lekha: I’m not the only one that needs to do things around the house. You have so much mail to go through and laundry lying around.
Sanjeev: Well if you felt that way, why didn’t you tell me?
Lekha: I’m not your mother. I should have to remind you to do things like a little child.
Sanjeev: Oh so now I’m a child? Why do I even bother having these conversations when everything you say is just illogical? (gets up and walks away)
Conversation #2 – validating
Lekha: We’ve been so busy these last few weekends. Would have been nice to have some time at home to do things around the house.
Sanjeev: I can see why you’d say that. We’ve been going out every weekend this month to one event or another. It can take away from time that we need for our chores around the house.
Lekha: Yes! Everything’s just piling up and I hate it. Makes our house look so messy.
Sanjeev: I can see where you’re coming from. When things aren’t orderly, neat and clean the house can become a mess and that can be overwhelming to come home to after a busy weekend or week. We did do the dishes yesterday. Did that help?
Lekha: Yes it did and I shouldn’t talk like we don’t do anything. I know we’re doing the best that we can. But I wish we could do more. I have so much ironing to do, you have laundry and your mail to sort through.
Sanjeev: It sounds like you might be stressed about getting all of this done.
Lekha: I am.
Sanjeev: Well, I want to do whatever I can to help reduce your stress so tonight I will look through my mail no matter how late it gets and tomorrow I will complete my laundry. Perhaps that time you can do some ironing. How does that sound?
Lekha: Sounds great. I don’t expect us to finish everything in one day but knowing we’re slowly working at it will help reduce some of my stress. Thanks for listening to me!
Sanjeev: You’re welcome. And maybe while these next few weekends continue to be busy, we will just have to do a better job of managing our chores during off hours, like after a party, if we really want to get these things done.
Lekha: You’re right. Let’s figure that out as we get closer to the weekend.
Many times South Asian couples get caught up in one-upping their partner or proving that their perspective is the right or logical one. All that does is shut down the conversation and turn the dialogue into an argument where each one is trying to defend their own position. The result is an unhealthy fight that diminishes trust and respect within the couple.
Instead of focusing on what is “right”, focus on the fact that every time your partner tells you something, he or she is sharing a piece of them with you. Try to put your opinions aside and pay attention to what they are trying to tell you and how their point of view can also be correct. By showing compassion and validating your partner’s opinions, a solution or compromise to your situation will become much easier to identify.
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