(This is part 1 of a 2-part series on guilt versus shame. Read part 2 here.)
“Did you really hit your brother over the head with your doll?” Mita’s mother yelled at her? The 5-year-old Mita knew she was in trouble and clutched her doll harder. She stood frozen.
“There is absolutely no hitting in this house!” her mother raised her voice even louder.
“Is this how you behave as a big sister? You should be ashamed yourself!” Mita lowered her head as her mother towered over her.
“Come on, it’s Friday night. You cannot be studying again tonight,” said Ankur’s college roommate. “I’m going to shoot pool with some guys why don’t you come with me.” Ankur was reluctant but his roommate gave him little choice so he agreed but only because he enjoyed pool. It was a scientific game, he’d always tell his younger brother when growing up.
Ankur was nervous around his roommates friends. He was never comfortable with people he didn’t know well. They were friendly but he still felt awkward. When it was his turn, he tried to shake off the anxiety and go play a game that he was very good at. Just as he was about to take his turn, a beer glass fell nearby. The sound startled him and made the cue stick slip causing the cue ball to barely move, ending his turn.
The friends laughed at the situation and even offered for Ankur to redo his turn. But Ankur wasn’t listening to them. All he wanted to do was curl into a ball and hide under a big rock where no one could see him. He wanted to leave immediately.
“Shubha, did you send the report to Alex this morning?” Shubha felt her stomach drop and her face became pale.
“Oh my gosh. No I’m so sorry. I got pulled into three emergency meetings and it completely slipped my mind,” she confessed to her manager. Quickly, she added, “I will send it right now and will walk over there to see how he wants to proceed.”
In a disapproving voice her manager said, “You’ll have to stay late tonight you know that right?”
“Of course. I completely understand,” she said. As her manager walked away, she buried her head in her hands. How could she have forgotten? She sent a message to the friend she was chatting with online about the huge blunder she had made and rushed to meet with Alex.
Guilt and shame are very easily confused and often mistaken for each other. However, they are two independent and entirely different emotions that have unique implications, causes and subsequent behaviors. In the next article, we will identify the specific differences between guilt and shame. Until then, can you tell who in the above vignettes was feeling guilty and who was feeling shame?