It was a crisp fall Saturday afternoon. Anagha and Suraj were getting ready to meet some friends to see a new exhibit at the museum downtown. As they grabbed their jackets, Anagha said, “Can you be sure to try and be more social and talkative today?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Suraj defensively.
“Nothing. Just like we talked about a few weeks ago, it helps when you talk more to the people that we’re with,” she explained.
“It helps who? I’ll talk if I feel like talking,” Suraj said very frustrated with Anagha.
“Look, I’m just trying to help you,” Anagha said raising her voice. “I get really tired of seeing you so uncomfortable around friends and so quiet that other people wonder if you even like them. So just try ok?”
“I don’t know if I feel like going anymore,” Suraj said hanging up his jacket.
“You can’t cancel at the last minute! What is your problem?” Anagha said following Suraj through their apartment.
“My problem is that you’re controlling and you always think you know what’s right all the time. When are you going to learn to accept that I’m just a quiet person?” Suraj raised his voice back at her.
“Oh my god not this again,” Anagha said leaning against the wall.
“What do you mean not this again?” Suraj said curtly. “Of course it’s this again because you can’t accept the reality that you’re with a quiet guy!”
“And you can’t accept that sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone once in a while. Not everyone is going to love you exactly the way you are all the time. You have to behave according to the situation!” Anagha’s words were dripping with anger and resentment.
That day, Anagha and Suraj missed the exhibit at the museum and they spent the rest of the afternoon arguing until Anagha broke into tears, sobbing uncontrollably from frustration. Nothing was resolved but they just stopped fighting.
It was a cold winter evening. Suraj had just made soup for dinner and they had just sat down to eat when Suraj said, “I finally saw the preview for that horror movie you have been talking about!”
“Oh ya?” said Anagha excitedly. She had been looking forward to that movie for months.
“Do you want to go this weekend?” Suraj asked knowing Anagha’s answer.
“Of course!” she said happily. “And maybe we can invite Rohan and Vicky to come too. They love scary movies too!”
“Or we could have a date night just the two of us,” suggested Suraj.
“Yeah we could,” she said hesitatingly. “But we haven’t seen them in so long and our next few weekends are pretty busy. What do you think?” Anagha smiled sweetly.
“I’d really rather spend time with just you. I love hanging out with you,” Suraj said kindly. Anagha knew she couldn’t say anything against that so she continued eating but the disappointment showed on her face.
“Is it that bad that we’re spending time together alone?” Suraj asked after a few minutes of silence.
Anagha knew saying something would result in a fight. It always did. But she couldn’t stop herself because she was really upset that this was coming up again. “It’s not that I don’t like spending time with you. But I also want to spend time with our friends,” she said carefully.
“Why does everything have to be about friends? Why can’t we just have a nice time?” Suraj asked knowing that the more they talked about this they more likely this was going to turn into a fight.
“You just don’t get it,” Anagha said quietly hoping he would drop it, not realizing that saying something like that was just baiting him to go farther.
“No, Anagha, maybe you don’t get it. Not everything has to be about being around other people. We can just spend time together alone too. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Suraj said somewhat sarcastically.
“Why are you so against being social? Why do you like to be so closed off?” Anagha asked upset that once again they were going to miss an opportunity to be with friends because of Suraj’s personality.
“Why do you always blame me?” he said angrily. “Why don’t you take responsibility for this sometimes?”
“Take responsibility for what?” Anagha said angrily.
“That this always turns into a fight because you can’t stop bossing me around and just accept me for what I’m like!” Suraj emphasized.
“Well I can say the same about you. I hate living this hermit lifestyle!” Anagha yelled back.
And once again, for the fourth or fifth time within 5 months, Anagha and Suraj argued about their social situation and how both of their personalities contribute to their problem. This time, Suraj went for a run when the argument escalated. They reached no resolution and no increased understanding about each other’s perspectives. When he returned, Anagha was asleep. Within a few days, they had cooled down and didn’t address it again until the next fight.
It was an abnormally warm February morning. Anagha wanted to bang her head on the wall. She took a deep breath and said, “Ok let’s start over. I want us to go out as a couple more often. I get sick of going out by myself. I wish you would be more social when we go out so that it’s more fun.”
“And I’m sick of you blaming me for the problem. Your expectations are so unfair and that’s the bigger problem,” Suraj shot back. And once again they argued without resolution.
Arguments are a healthy part of a relationship and how they are resolved is a testament to the health and strength of the relationship. Anagha and Suraj’s problems are twofold. One is that they have the exact same argument without any increased insight into the actual cause of the conflict, called a serial argument. In addition, they are not able to resolve the argument and instead pretend as if nothing is wrong after the storm has passed until the next time they fight about the same issue. The more often a couple has a serial argument, the unhealthier their relationship becomes.
Serial argument resolution requires two steps. In the first step, Anagha and Suraj need to sit down and in entirely different words express what they both need. This will help them understand better what each of them want and help them reach a solution that makes sense.. Then, they both need to accept that they are entirely different and their unique qualities need to have space in the relationship. Thus, the resolution could be to accept that Suraj is not very social and that Anagha needs to be more social than he prefers. There must be a built in respect for each of their preferences and a compromised solution can be reached.
For example, Anagha can identify which friends she would like Suraj to be more talkative with, understanding that she can’t expect that with all of their friends. Another possible solution is that she attends events or goes out with friends alone without Suraj sometimes. The key is to accept that the other is equal but different and needs different things. When that acceptance is there, both partners will stop assuming that their point of view is the best solution for their relationship and instead they will understand that the compromised solution, though not ideal for either of them, is right for them as a couple.
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