While Marisa’s husband was away on a business trip, her mother-in-law Usha stayed with her to help her take care of Karan, who had developed chicken pox. Marisa and her Usha had a surprisingly close relationship considering how different their backgrounds were. They respected each other and both truly enjoyed each other’s company. In addition, since Marisa had lost her mother and Usha only had sons, they filled an important role in each other’s lives.
Day and night Usha was on her feet trying to get Karan to eat, cleaning the house or cooking for the family. Marisa s equally busy taking care of 2 year old Shruti, trying to keep her away from Karan and balancing work at the same time.
At night Marisa would watch as her 65 year old mother-in-law, who she was convinced was a super hero, helped Marisa keep her family on a schedule and take care of a young child. She knew as a grandmother, her job was to play with the kids and spoil them but without questioning, without complaining when Marisa needed help, she was always there. Her eyes would always fill up with tears as she felt immense gratitude for her incredible mother-in-law.
One night, Marisa sat on the sofa with her mother-in-law after the children were asleep. They were flipping channels on TV to find something to watch when Marisa said, “Thank you so much for everything you’ve been doing. I really wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.” Her mother had a strange look on her face but she forced a smile and turned back to the TV. Marisa was so confused by that reaction but just then the phone rang so she couldn’t ask her what happened.
“Hi Saurabh,” she said to her husband happily. They caught each other up on the events of the day and then Marisa mentioned what had just transpired between her and her mother. Saurabh laughed and explained, “In our family, you don’t say thank you. Saying thank you is actually kind of an insult because thank you is only said to acquaintances or in very formal circumstances, never to close family or friends.”
Marisa was shocked. She had meant to convey kindness and appreciation and instead had insulted his mother! “What do I do instead to show my thanks?” she asked wanting to remedy the situation.
“Do something nice for her. She loves it when you make those spicy enchiladas right? Or tell her to take a break and go for a walk with Shruti. You don’t have to make it obvious that you’re doing it to thank you. She’ll know,” he said.
Marisa felt better now that she had a plan on how to fix this. Despite her husband’s reassurance that his mother was not actually upset at Marisa, she wanted to make sure she appreciated her in the appropriate way according to her culture.
Many South Asian families have the same value as Usha, that verbal gratitude is expressed only to strangers, acquaintances or in very formal situations. Saying thank you to a family member or close friend is making a statement about the closeness – or lack thereof – in the relationship.
However, conveying appreciation in a relationship is crucial for the health and happiness of each individual as well as that of the relationship, whatever it may be. This is especially true in cases where one partner has become the caretaker of the other partner in the marriage. Showing appreciating regularly has shown to reduce caretaker stress and improve their physical health as they manage the intricacies of taking care of their spouse.
In addition, teenagers who show gratitude and appreciation for things in life every day have been shown to have less mood swings, improved self-esteem and were more likely to be social and less likely to develop depression. Teaching children to appreciate people in their lives has also been linked to lower stress and increased mood as it helps them to identify people they can rely on during times of duress.
Also, for people who are depressed, stressed or feeling isolated due to any personal circumstances, feeling appreciated helps them to feel more connected and encourages them to reach out to their friends and family. They may feel an increased sense of love, connectedness and renewed energy to address their personal situation.
Whether your family prefers verbal expressions of appreciation or acts of kindness instead, be sure to take out some time show appreciation to your loved ones. You never know how you may be helping them by showing them your gratitude.