Empathy, which means being able to understand the other person’s feelings from their perspective, plays a large role in developing and maintaining a healthy relationship. It is like “standing in their shoes” to truly understand how and why they may be feeling what they’re feeling.
Empathizing with your partner conveys trust that their feelings are valued in the relationship and that you are willing to take the time and energy to understand their point of view even if it differs from your own. Take this example**:
Ravi and Alka have been married for 2 year. Alka’s parents live nearby, but her father has not shown much affection toward Ravi. Every time they visit the couple, Alka’s father makes comments about how Ravi is not as great of a husband as he is to Alka’s mother. For example if he sees broken items around the house, he will comment about how when he was Ravi’s age he would have fixed those household items much sooner. While Alka notices these comments, she does not address them with her father to stop them.
In this example, there is a very touchy subject of how to discuss complaints about your partner’s families without it sounding like a criticism. You can imagine that bringing this up with Alka is going to be very difficult for Ravi since we often mistake complaints for criticisms and naturally become very defensive. If Alka responds empathically, the conversation would go something like this: about our families as
Ravi: Alka, I wanted to talk to you about something. Last weekend when your father came over, he made 3 or 4 comments about how the garage door is still not fixed and that there are several recessed lights that have burned out and haven’t been replaced. Did you hear when he said those?
Alka: Yes I heard a couple of them, but I’m pretty sure he was joking.
Ravi: Well, the thing is, I really wish you had said something to him about it. Because anytime I say something he just makes fun of me for being a wimp and not taking his criticisms “like a man”.
Alka: You want me to say something in front of you?
Ravi: No, not necessarily. But it would be really nice to know that you were standing up for me and letting him know that he can’t talk to me however he feels like. He is in my home and he makes me so uncomfortable in it when he comes over.
Alka: I understand. He comes over, points out all the things you’re doing wrong and compares himself to you to show you how you don’t measure up. That must feel like he’s belittling you and that you’re not a good husband and that’s a terrible way to feel, especially in your own home.
You can see that Alka listens to Ravi’s comments and tries to understand from his point of view even after she initially had interpreted her father’s comments differently, thinking they were jokes and not serious. She not only sets aside her thoughts about her father and listens intently to Ravi, but she also takes what he told her and expands by adding that he must feel belittled and like a failure. This shows Ravi that despite any feelings she may have about her father, she is willing to put them on hold to listen to his complaint. He will feel validated and important and will be much more likely to compromise on a solution which is crucial for a healthy relationship. Had she not reacted empathically, their conversation would have turned into a fight.
Empathy differs from sympathy in that when you are sympathetic, you are less inclined to understand the person’s unique point of view and why they feel what they feel. Instead, you are more likely to take a general approach regarding the sentiments of the situation. Had Alka reacted sympathetically, she would have said something like, “I’m sorry you feel so bad when he comes over.” It is a more distant approach to listening to others’ feelings.
Also of note, is that being empathic does not necessarily mean that you agree with your partner and you forego your opinion but just that you are taking the time to value the other person’s experience.
The second step that goes hand in hand with empathy is changing the situation to address your partner’s needs. In the above example, Alka can agree to talk to her father and ask him to stop being so critical of her husband or can ask her father to come over less often, etc. Without this step, empathy starts to lose its effect as your partner may begin to feel like you are patronizing them by understanding how they feel but not doing anything to actually alleviate the situation.
It can be very difficult to empathize with our partners because we can often become defensive as we listen to them or we start thinking of arguments to prove our partner wrong. In the next article, we will break down ways to improve empathy skills.
** The couple in the example above is a fictional couple, is not based on a real couple and in no way are intended to represent a real couple. Any similarities between this couple and one in real life are purely coincidental.
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