One of the strongest values in South Asian culture is modesty. At a young age, children are taught that arrogance and showing off are unacceptable behaviors and that a good person is a master of humility.
Culturally acceptable reactions to compliments include bowing your head in reverence and modesty, blushing, and minimizing or countering the compliment by saying something like, “No, you’re being too nice.” In fact, not reacting with humility and modesty and immediately accepting the compliment is considered rude, arrogant or self-absorbed.
However, repeated denial of compliments does take its toll on emotional health and wellbeing. Research is showing that when we minimize compliments too much, we start to chip away at our self-esteem. We start to believe the words that we say out loud instead of paying credence to our true talents and skills. “No, I’m not that great of a piano player,” or “I’m only successful because my father pushed me”.
Over time, more and more of these negative, self-deprecating thoughts take place in our minds and leave very little room for compliments to counter these thoughts. In addition, by denying compliments vehemently, we begin to irritate those around us who simply want to appreciate or celebrate something that they like or admire.
Here are a 6 tips if taking a compliment is difficult for you:
1. What does the voice in your head sound like after you hear a compliment? Is it supportive or is it hurtful? Would you say to someone else what you repeat to yourself? Write the words down and look at them on paper. This often helps us recognize the frequency and intensity of negative self-talk.
2. Who’s voice is it? Often when we think harshly about ourselves, the voice is someone else’s, such as our parent’s. When we are children, we are influenced by our surroundings and our brains soak up everything, including repeated criticisms. Even if the criticism isn’t directed toward us, growing up with a parent who was critical of themselves teaches us that we should be critical of ourselves as well. Try to identify which is your voice and which is someone else’s voice you’ve held onto for years.
3. Challenge the negative self-talk. On a piece of paper, make two columns. Write down the first thought that comes to mind when someone compliments you. For example, in one column write “I’m only successful because my father pushed me” and in the second column re-write the thought so that it is not so harsh toward yourself. “My determination to do well was enhanced by my father’s encouragement and that is why I am successful.”
4. Avoid absolutes. Be mindful of when you use words like “always, never, forever or can’t” when you describe yourself. It closes the door on any improvement or chance that you deserve the compliment.
5. Be your own friend. Would you say to your friend the things that you say to yourself? Would you tell your friend, “You’re not really that great of a piano player”? So why would you say it to yourself? Treat yourself the way you would treat your closest friends. If you are so sure your friends have amazing qualities, believe that you do as well.
6. Show gratitude. Sometimes the best way to respond to a compliment is just to say a simple “Thank you”. Even if you don’t agree with it, or don’t feel it as deserving at the time, you begin re-building your self-esteem.
Accepting a compliment does not have to be mutually exclusive from expressing humility. You can be modest and still graciously accept a compliment, such as, “There is still some more work to be done but I’m glad you liked the project. Thank you.” Finding a healthy balance between modesty and accepting compliments can help you re-learn negative self-talk and value yourself as a person while still living by a strong held South Asian value. Additionally, you will also avoid annoying your friends and loved ones who are just trying to get you to see what they see in you.
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