Whether it’s about who washes the dishes, who picks up the children from soccer practice or how often to have sex, relationships require constant compromise to ensure the health and happiness of both partners. This is expected as two entirely different individuals have come together to build a joint life and these individuals have unique histories, experiences and personalities that don’t always match.
Some compromises that can be simple and easy for one couple, such as deciding where to eat for dinner, can be the source of conflict for another couple. Other compromises, those about more serious topics such as how to manage finances, how many children to have or how to build physical intimacy, are often difficult topics for most couples to discuss.
By compromising, it is not assumed that both parties agree with each other. Instead, compromising simply means that both partners have mutually agreed to and chosen a solution that suits their situation given their differences in opinion. Many couples get stuck in trying to convince each other that they are right, which often results in an argument that escalates and turns into an entirely different issue.
Compromising, if done properly, can lead to a healthy outcome that can leave the couple feeling closer and more connected than before. If the conversation goes awry or the compromise turns into a sacrifice that results in resentment, partners tend to lose trust in each other and feel more resentful.
Follow these steps the next time you find yourself having to compromise to ensure that the conversation goes as smoothly as possible:
1. Identify how you’re feeling prior to the conversation. Sometimes when we feel very strongly about a topic, we tend to approach our partner already defensive as if they have already attacked us. If you are feeling defensive, identify what your partner has done to incite those feelings or if you are feeling this way preemptively. If it is the former, address that issue with your partner first before bringing up the conversation that will require compromise. If it is the latter, calm yourself down before approaching your partner.
2. Identify a good time to talk when you both are stress free. Removing all external stressors will encourage both of you to speak slowly, be respectful and avoid the common pitfalls that result in repeated arguments.
3. Take turns in explaining your opinion. Instead of trying to find a solution, which will be tempting to do right away, simply focus on trying to understand each other first. When we have better understanding of the other, we are less likely to attack their position or their opinion and are more likely to be open to compromising. This step can increase the risk for arguments so follow these steps on how to have a conversation while avoiding turning it into a hurtful fight.
4. Know their side as well as your own. When it is your turn to listen, pretend you are an investigator or a reporter. All you are interested in is why they feel what they do. By focusing your energy on your partner, you can push your intense feelings away, improving your skills as a listener. The minute you start having a reaction to what your partner is saying, take a break and walk away. This is your best chance at avoiding a nasty fight where you both try to prove each other wrong. Remember that by understanding their position you are not saying that you agree but just that you respect their opinion and know that it will be taken into consideration when you find a solution.
5. Know when to take a break. Sometimes Steps 1 through 4 need to be repeated several times over several days, weeks or months to truly ensure that you both understand each other deeply. Without this understanding, when it comes time to making a decision on how to compromise, one or both partners may end up feeling resentful. It’s ok to not find a solution right away but instead take a break and let your partners’ point of view sink in.
6. Find a compromise. When both partners feel adequately understood, begin the solution focused conversation slowly, being careful not to pass judgment or criticize your partner’s point of view. A great exercise to do that can help with this step is to both share your ideal scenario. Then identify what parts of your ideal scenario you are not at all willing to compromise on and can compromise on. Based on what you identify as the aspects you both can compromise on, develop a third scenario. Review that as a possible solution and ensure that each of your needs are met and that it is a reasonable compromise for each partner. Be mindful of if either of you are being resentful. Resentment is an indication that the compromise does not feel fair to your partner and that this step needs to be repeated.
7. Appreciate each other. Both of you have had to give up something to come to this compromised solution so take a moment to show each other gratitude for working hard to come up with a reasonable and agreeable solution.
Compromising is an essential, necessary and an inevitable part of a relationship. The earlier that both partners learn how to do it effectively, the healthier their relationship will be in the long run.
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