This is Part 2 of a 2 part series. Read Part 1 here.
For one week Sonal and Terrence didn’t talk to each other. They were so hurt by each other’s callousness to their own family traditions. Sonal started feeling increased anxiety during this week. “If he’s so adamant about Christmas always being celebrated in church, how would he feel about celebrating Diwali,” she thought. “Would he just sit in the corner and watch her family celebrate?” And then she almost panicked as the next thought entered her mind: What would their wedding look like?
She had dreamt of the day she could wear a traditional sari and walk around the fire with her future husband. She wanted all the festivities, colors and liveliness of an Indian Hindu wedding. Was he expecting her to drop all of those dreams to put on a white gown and walk down the aisle in a church? Although they hadn’t talked to each other about any of these details, just imagining that she would not get the wedding of her dreams because of his religion made her resentful. Her desire to call Terrence quickly declined as she continued to feel insulted by his lack of compassion.
Terrence was experiencing a similar angst. He talked to his brother about his issue.
“Maybe this is an indication that we shouldn’t get married,” Terrence lamented.
“You knew she wasn’t Christian from the first day you met her. Did you think this wouldn’t come up?” his older brother Michael asked.
“I know. You’d think it would have but it didn’t. We were just so happy with everything else I guess we both just assumed it would work out,” Terrence said. “Does she think I’m just going to stop going to church because she doesn’t believe in it? And what about our wedding? She’ll probably refuse to do a Christian ceremony.” He paused and had an almost panic moment too. “What about our kids? Is she assuming they’re going to be Hindu? How can she assume that?”
“Stop. You’re going to drive yourself crazy. Instead of getting into a fight with her in your head when she doesn’t even have a chance to respond to your concerns, call her. There is no point fuming here when you haven’t even talked to each other,” Michael said.
Terrence knew he was right. He was getting upset by assuming Sonal’s responses and opinions and that wasn’t fair. He called her the next day and they decided to meet and talk in person. They decided to take a walk in the park while they talked as a way to keep themselves from getting too angry with each other. If they were at home, they would have no problems yelling at each other but they wanted to have a productive conversation.
Terrence began, “So what happened with us? We’ve been together for a year and a half and religion has never come up but all of a sudden we sound like religious fanatics!”
Sonal laughed and appreciated his humor to diffuse the tense situation. He was right. They were so defensive that they had become polarized on the topic, making it seem like they are far more inflexible than they actually are. It made them less open minded to hearing each other’s points of view. So for several hours they talked, each taking turns explaining what traditions and values were important to them. They pushed each other to question whether they were holding onto a tradition because they actually cared about it or because they didn’t want to feel like the other person was getting too much their way.
“You know I don’t actually care about easter egg hunts that much,” Sonal admitted. “Let’s do Easter with your family every year.”
When they reminded themselves that they were on the same team working toward the same goal – establishing a life together – they suddenly became more open to listening to each other and compromising. Both of them realized they wanted the other to participate and not just observe their family traditions.
They agreed to watch a movie with Sonal’s family on Christmas Eve and then go to midnight Mass with Terrence’s family. Christmas Day would be with Terrence’s family but Thanksgiving would be with Sonal’s every year. Terrence also seemed excited to learn more about Diwali.
“This is a great start,” Terrence said with a smile.
“I agree,” Sonal agreed. “This is going to be a lifelong point of discussion but at least we know we can have these talks now without turning on each other.”
They still had to figure out what their wedding would look like and how to raise their children, two very important conversations to have before getting married, but they had learned how to have a difficult conversation successfully. Those skills will help them navigate any obstacles that they face through their married life.
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