Tanvi was sitting at her dining room table, sipping her morning coffee and trying to fight back tears. She couldn’t believe the eerie silence around her. Her children were with their father this year. It was the first time she had spent the holidays alone and she felt a surge of anxiety through her body. How was she going to get through this day?
Kartik woke up around 5am because he couldn’t sleep so he went about his normal morning routine. He left his room to go to the co-ed bathroom to take a shower. Breakfast was in front of his computer, a bowl of Lucky Charms, his favorite cereal that reminded him of his home. He looked out of his window and saw the Uffizi Gallery at a distance. He thought he might spend the day in there to pass the time and get some ideas for his next project for his favorite art class. He really loved Florence, but today was the first day he wished he wasn’t there.
Rupa was flying over the Pacific Ocean when the air hostesses came around wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. She thought about her children who would wake up in 2 hours and come running down the stairs, gasping at the number of gifts Santa left for them under the tree. She would miss the look on her 3 year old’s face when he received another toy car to add to his collection. She wished she could hear the squeal from her 5 year old as she finally received the doll she had been eyeing at the toy store for months. She hoped her husband would remember to video tape all of those moments, including when he finds the fancy watch that she got for him to replace his broken one. She wished she was with them instead of on her way to visit her mother in the hospital.
Gaurav sat frustrated in front of his computer, surrounded by dozens of other engineers scrambling to fix the latest bug. He could only imagine the festivities that were going on at his in-law’s house. He was going to miss his first holiday with them because he was called into work. He was most upset about not spending the time with his wife of 4 months, who had been so excited to share her family’s traditions with him this year.
Many South Asians find themselves alone for the holiday season. Reasons can range from having to work over the holidays and experiencing a recent divorce to being abroad for a variety of reasons. Regardless of the many legitimate reasons for being away from family, there is an inherent expectation that this time of year must be perfect, filled with love, laughter and spent with your loved ones. Unfortunately, this expectation results in a significant amount of stress for those whose reality doesn’t match this vision of the holidays.
Here are ten things you can do to take care of yourself if you find yourself alone for the holiday:
1) Be realistic about expectations: This image of the “perfect holiday” was created by the media and does not represent the reality for most people. Ketan’s experience is far more realistic and relatable to most South Asians than the Hallmark presentation of the holiday season. Be realistic about your situation, change your expectations to include that the holidays cannot be perfect, and be mindful of your reality.
2) Engage in your favorite activities: Take a hike, go to the spa or watch a movie. If you spend time doing the things you love, the time will pass by faster than you can imagine.
3) Find alternate means of reaching out: If you can’t be with your family or close friends, send them an email, call or even video chat with them. Having some connection with them may be better than none and may help you feel less alone.
4) Serve the community: Volunteer your time by helping in soup kitchens, a shelter for the homeless or your local temple, church or mosque. Helping others often helps us forget about our situation and provides perspective on the meaning of the holiday.
5) Meet new people: Websites like meetup.com offer safe and easy ways to meet other people just like you to engage in common activities. This can be the start of creating a “new family” so that you have strong and close connections around you any time of the year.
6) Take a trip: If you know you’ll be alone ahead of time, plan a trip either by yourself or with friends and explore an area you have never been to. Take plenty of pictures and video to remember the moments and to share with friends or family when you return.
7) Reach out: Many South Asian families love to share their home and food with others especially during a holiday such as Eid, Diwali or Christmas. Call a friend whose family is nearby and ask to join them for the holidays. Most likely they will feel honored that you reached out and asked!
8 ) Exercise: Go outside, to a gym or even to a club and get your body moving. Feelings of depression are common around the holidays especially if you are feeling alone so combat those emotions by exercising.
9) Give yourself permission to be sad: Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to allow ourselves to feel what we’re feeling. Choose a time, up to an hour or two, where you will just sit and feel sad. Take note of the thoughts that run through your mind and do your best to find examples that disprove your thoughts. For example, many people think there must be something wrong with them if they are single for the holidays. However, everyone had to be single before they were in a relationship, including your parents. Does this mean there was something wrong with your parents until they met their partner?
10) Remember it is only one day: Give yourself some perspective by reminding yourself it is just another day. By keeping yourself busy the time will tick by and before you know it, the day will be over and the holiday (as well as all of the expectations and resulting stress that come with it) will be over.
If you know of a friend who will be alone for the holidays, reach out to them and ask them to join your celebration. You may be doing them a bigger favor than you realize.
We would love to hear your response to this article! Please feel free to leave a comment.