This is a 2 part series. To read part 1, please click here.
The stress of managing the relationship with Aadit had started taking a toll on Manasi and she had become more short tempered with her family. All of them noticed a change from her otherwise sunny disposition.
“She’s just stressed about her finals at the end of January,” Savita explained to Vinod one evening. “Once that is over, perhaps that weekend we can all go on a day trip or something so she can relax a bit.”
Manasi attempted to break up with Aadit in January but to her surprise, it proved far more difficult than she expected. His smooth talking, charming personality were hard to resist. On top of the fact that he apologized before she even said why she was mad at him. Perhaps she was wrong about him, she thought. So she gave him another chance.
Unfortunately, his behavior had escalated and she started to feel trapped in the relationship. He became very jealous when she would have group meetings with other male students. He would always stare at her with piercing eyes if he saw her talking to another boy in AP Biology class.
Manasi was unsure of what “normal” boyfriend behavior was and what was going too far. Her gut told her he was disrespecting her but her friends told her that he was very sweet by being jealous. They all wished they had boyfriends who cared so much. So she never said anything to him.
Around Valentine’s Day, Aadit and Manasi were talking on the phone when he brought up a subject that she never expected. “Valentine’s Day is coming up. I was thinking maybe we can tell our parents we will be at a party with friends but we can go somewhere, just the two of us. And maybe this time we can go a little farther.”
At first, Manasi said no and he replied with “Ok whatever you are comfortable with.” But every time she saw him at school, Aadit began to pressure her. He would make laugh with his friends while she walked by like, “Look there goes Manasi the nun” or trying to get the sympathies of her friends in front of her, “I don’t think she actually likes me.” Other times, he would make suggestive comments to her if they were walking alone to class, making her feel guilty for her answer.
Manasi was confused and turned to her best friend for advice. “I think you should go farther with him,” Zara said. “Everyone’s doing it but mostly with crappy guys. He buys you amazing things, he’s so sweet and really likes you! I mean I never get to see you because he’s always with you. It’s so sweet!” Manasi was still so conflicted. She missed seeing her friends and did wonder why Aadit didn’t like her hanging out with them anymore. But maybe Zara was right. It was sweet. He wanted to spend all his time with her. That must be a nice thing, Manasi convinced herself.
Then Zara added, “I think he might even tell you he loves you on Valentine’s day!” That made Manasi’s heart flutter as she hid a smile. She hung up with Zara trying to convince herself that she made the right decision about accepting Aadit’s offer. He really did care and did so many nice things for her. She tried to ignore her gut which was telling her that something was wrong about him. She wanted to believe Aadit was right, that she did owe him for how nice, caring, attentive and kind he was to her.
As she lay awake that night, she wished that she could talk to her mother. In her mind, her mother was the strongest, most insightful, most logical person she knew. But talking to her mother was out of the question. If she found out Manasi was dating, she would kill her and never speak to her again. She knew there was no way her mother would understand her situation so she kept everything to herself. She had never kept a secret from her mother so the stress was tearing her apart.
The stress from these decisions affected Manasi’s health. She began to get sick almost every other week. Her grades began to slip a little and she did not sleep very much at night, causing her to be exhausted during the day. She was much more irritable than normal and she felt like she was trapped in a closet because she could not tell anyone in her family. The people she was closest to had no idea about the most difficult and life-changing decision she was about to make.
The difficulty for South Asian teenagers, especially those with immigrant parents, is that they often grow up with a wildly different experience than their parents did. Being of a new generation and living in a non-South Asian country provide the teens with opportunities and decisions that their parents usually did not have to make.
South Asian parents who express such strong sentiments such as Sarita did about not dating, close the door on any conversation to be had about the experiences that their teenager is having. It prevents the child from talking to their parents about personal things such as dating and sex no matter how close the parent-child relationship is. Additionally, teens then turn to their friends for advice which may not often be the best advice to get, resulting in misinformation and bad decisions without understanding the consequences of their actions.
This is especially detrimental when teens, such as Manasi, are in an abusive relationship. Being in her formative years, Manasi is still learning about normal, healthy relationships and is still developing her sense of self and self-worth. Without parental or adult guidance, Manasi will learn that relationships such as the one she is in are the norm. This will affect the type of partner she chooses for herself when she is an adult, increasing the risk of her being in an abusive marriage.
South Asian parents will be helping their teenagers immensely by having these difficult conversations with their teen. They can provide their child with a perspective that no one else can and also can create a learning opportunity by teaching their teen how to think through complicated situation. Whether these conversations are had, hundreds of thousands of South Asian teens are in abusive relationships. It is a matter of whether South Asian parents are available as supports during this difficult time.