Our bodies are designed to react immediately when faced with a threat of any kind. Whether that stressor is an angry dog running toward us or an escalating fight with our partners, our body cannot tell the difference and jumps to the “flight, fight or freeze” mode. This mode gives your body three options on how to manage the threatening situation:
1) immediately leave the situation (e.g. run away from the dog or walk away from your partner)
2) stay there and fight your ground (e.g. hitting the dog as he lunges for you or increasing your argumentative behavior)
3) freeze (e.g. feel like your feet are cemented into the ground so you can’t run away from the dog or no longer react to the argument because it is like your mind is frozen and can no longer think)
These are three reactions that are biologically ingrained into the human species and are the same reactions we have for a physical threat as well as emotional stress. Until we manually override these automatic reactions, our body continues to pump adrenaline, lower our immunity and act as if the danger is still present. Chronic stress reactions can cause serious illness and injury and are very unhealthy for the body to experience.
Mindfulness is a method by which we can counteract the automatic aspects of what makes the stress reaction habitual. The premise of mindfulness is that if we stay in the present, we can increase our awareness to recognize a stressor. We can then overturn our usual reaction of avoidance or aversion and instead recognize and accept the stressor so that we can have healthier reactions to it. Basically, without the emotional charge, the situation cannot cause us stress.
Mindfulness is especially important when we are in a conflict with someone else. Usually in an argument, we are not only responding to what the person is saying to us but we are also reacting to past arguments, how the other person responded as well as to what we think our partner is trying to achieve or accomplish in this argument. Mindfulness is a way to stay in the present and not react to the past or future. It allows us the opportunity to take a step back from the situation and respond to it as it is instead of responding to our thoughts or evaluations of the situation.
Here is an example:
Nishant and Malvika had gotten into another argument about Nishant’s baseball-watching schedule.
Malvika: Are you watching another game?!
Nishant: Of course. Things are getting really interesting. The Rangers are up by only half a game. If we win this—
Malvika: I don’t care about the Rangers. You watched a game last night and you already told me you’re watching this weekend. I’ve had enough.
Nishant: I’m not making you watch the game. You can do whatever you want.
Malvika: (sarcastically) Oh ya that’s why I’m dating you. So that I can spend more time alone.
Nishant: Right more time alone. Didn’t I go to that stupid art gallery last week with you?
Malvika: (angry and hurt) You know what, you’re stupid for thinking that I’d put up with your baseball obsession forever.
At this point of the argument, both Malvika and Nishant are experiencing a stress reaction. Their bodies are in the “fight” mode, adrenaline is pumping and this argument is likely to turn worse. If Nishant uses mindfulness, he should be able to take a breath, take a step back and look at what is happening.
Malvika is feeling hurt and while she may not be expressing it well, she is asking him to make her feel more special and to spend more time together, which is a reasonable request. If he focuses on that, instead of perpetuating the stress reaction by feuling the argument, he will be able to de-escalate the situation and resolve it with both of them calming down and giving their bodies rest.
Mindfulness is a skill that takes lots of practice to perfect, especially since it is countering behaviors that are inherently intrinsic to the biology of humans. However, mastering the skill can significantly improve your relationships as well as your individual emotional and physical health.
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