Here is a continuation of an earlier example of how to talk to a habitually passive-aggressive partner successfully:
After the party, Akbar was very upset with how Maya reacted to his confrontation so he took a couple of days to cool off before trying again. Akbar: Maya, can I please talk to you for a minute?
Maya: Of course! What is it?
Akbar: I want to talk to you because I want to hear your perspective about what happened a few days ago. I don’t want to criticize or anything at all I just want to know what you think happened.
Maya: Ok
Akbar: So remember a few days ago we were at Rahul’s house for dinner? I was walking over to get some more drinks and I heard you being a little rude to Amir. What was going on?
Maya: What are you talking about?
Akbar: Well, I heard you guys talking about the upcoming election and it sounded like you were saying that he was wrong and you were right about your political stance.
Maya: I have no idea what you’re talking about. (getting defensive and starting to deliberately “forget” the situation)
Akbar: You don’t remember at all? You said that only uneducated people have the political views that he has and you’re surprised that he has a Masters. (being direct and concrete)
Maya: No. I don’t remember this at all. (forgetting the incident)
Akbar: Maya, I’m not trying to criticize you. I’m just trying to figure out what happened.
Maya: Well, I’m sorry I don’t remember this happening at all.
Akbar: Do you remember talking to Amir that night?
Maya: Nope, sorry. (continuing to forget the incident)
Akbar: You were standing in the kitchen right next to the appetizers while Kriti was warming up the food. And Neal almost tripped on the fan’s cord and laughed about how he might have spilled his drink. Remember? (being concrete to try and encourage a productive conversation)
Maya: I do remember standing there. Was Amir there too? I guess he might have been. (beginning to concede because she has been confronted with details she cannot deny)
Akbar: So what happened there?
Maya: I don’t remember the exact conversation but I remember he stopped talking to me that night. I tried to be nice and ask about work and even sit near him during dinner so we could chat but he wouldn’t even acknowledge I was there. (trying to play the victim and blame someone else)
Akbar: (getting frustrated so he takes a breath) Ok Maya I know you don’t remember the exact conversation that happened in the kitchen with him. But I do want to ask you to please try harder to be nice to him. He is my best friend from college and I really want to maintain a good relationship with him.
Maya: (getting defensive) I’m not doing anything to ruin your friendship! I really like getting together with him! If he would just stop ignoring me maybe I’d be more likely to talk to him.
Akbar: (making an extra effort to be empathic) I know it’s a terrible feeling when it seems like someone is ignoring you. It makes you feel so uncomfortable because you don’t know what is going on or what you did wrong to deserve that treatment. Right?
Maya: Yes!
Akbar: (pointing out inconsistencies in her behavior) But, I know you aren’t a fan of his. This is not the first time that you both have gotten into a fiery disagreement. Most of the time we meet him, you seem unhappy to be around him.
Maya: (getting defensive) I do like him! He’s your best friend and I think he’s nice. Maybe you’re just too sensitive about your friendships.
Akbar: (trying very hard not to take the bait of turning this conversation into an argument) Again, I’m not trying to be critical but I’m letting you know that you do make it pretty clear that you don’t like him. So you don’t have to say to me that you do because we both know it’s not true.
Maya: (sitting quietly, thinking about what Akbar said)
Akbar: (staying calm) It’s ok if you don’t like him. Just because he’s my best friend does not mean you have to like him. But I would really like you to just tell me that yourself instead of telling me you like him but acting like you don’t.
Maya: Ok.
Akbar: So, can you tell me?(modeling and encouraging healthy, direct conversation)
Maya: I guess he’s not my favorite person in the world. But he also makes it hard to like him! (again blaming someone else)
Akbar: It doesn’t matter to me who says what and why it’s difficult to have a relationship with each other. I just want to know if you like him or not.
Maya: Ok I don’t like him much.
Akbar: Thank you for telling me! That helps me so much to know directly from you how you feel about him. Now I think we can talk more easily about what we can do differently to help you get along with him better.
Maya: (half jokingly) Well you’ll have to talk to him because he’s the one that’s making this friendship impossible!
Akbar: (again, not taking the bait) Well, I don’t think this is just his fault. I would really like it if you could please try harder to be nice to him. Even if you can only handle talking to him for 5 minutes, that’s fine. But in those 5 minutes please be nice to him.
Maya: And what is he going to do differently?
Akbar: Don’t worry about him. I will talk to him and figure it out on that side. I’d really like us to just focus on what we can do on this end to make things better. (He avoids talking about Amir’s flaws in efforts to prevent Maya from being tempted to blame him again for their problems.)
You can see that talking directly to a passive-aggressive person requires unending patience and empathy to keep them from feeling too defensive or turning the conversation into an argument. While this is an example of a successful conversation not all of them will be. So sometimes the goal of conversations with a passive-aggressive partner may be for you to just express your concerns and frustrations without expecting a resolution or any understanding from your partner in return.
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